GOD THOUGHTS

2012-01-25T08:40:00.000-08:00

It is not to be sought in the world, but in the heart.

And when we listen with it, not to it -- we see God's message in everything.

You need to begin on the inside. The more we become like Christ, the more we see God. The outside will follow.

2012-01-04T17:49:00.000-08:00

What you must know... as a Christian, as anything, as a human being with faith....

Is that God is right here with you and always has been. You do not need to try so hard. In just the same way that we share our lives with the trees and the moss and the birds, so we share our life with God. That He is, above all things, a Companion.

That there are knots tied inside of you; knots against faith, knots against the freedom of seeing God. Acts you have committed; things your parents taught you, whether they were Christian or not; worldviews and experiences that have shaped you, prejudices, bad tastes in your mouth, things that make you balk and worry and doubt....

And God has given me deft hands to untie the knots. It is what we do -- as pastors, counselors, students of faith -- we untie knots. God brings those to me who I can untie. This does not mean that I must force you to think what I think or know what I know. It means that I must learn your doctrine; what you believe, and what keeps you from seeing God in your life. And by listening, I can minister; I can give you peace. It is not your place to listen to me, but my place to listen to you. By hearing you, I can heal you.

You see... God gave me peace so that I can give it to you. I am not so much someone who talks about faith, but someone who listens with faith. I am always, in each second of the day, in service to God. It is not my job, but my vocation. I take it everywhere with me; into all houses, all churches and temples, all gatherings and all silence. It is not done for recognition; it is just what I am. And yes, I make mistakes. There is no guide book, no instruction manual to become a servant of God; every situation is uniquely its own; every trial is walked blindly, with the heart as a shepherd.

I believe God brings us only the souls that we can heal... and each of us has a different talent, a different method, a different healing voice....

And I know when God brings someone into my life for this purpose... I know because I understand that my duty is to untie knots. It is a humble and thankless task, but we do not work for reward. Save them, God said. Not condemn them. Not enslave them. Not buy them. Save them.The Bible speaks of rewards in Heaven, but honestly, I know nothing of Heaven except for that which I have experienced in my own life, and it has brought so much peace, so much joy, so much courage and patience and happiness.... How could I not give it to you?

And so I say, do not worry or fear judgment, because at your judgment you will have allies, you will have mercy. I will vouch for you as my brother or sister. Do not worry about God's plan for you. Do not think about the end of the world nor the salvation of your family. Worry about your heart and your walk with God, here and now. And if those come to you looking for faith and for God, show them compassion, give them a listening ear, give them love... show them where God fits into their lives... and you will save more souls and become a far greater service to the world.

2011-12-14T11:14:00.000-08:00

God has sent away my distractions. I need stillness, time to think, time to listen.

My job is ending. My writing degree is finished.

There is a crossroad here... and what is life?

Is life what I am expected to do? Is life responsible? Is life the most obvious choice?

Or is life to be governed by chances, by risks, by the improbable?

God has brought opportunity to me. So much opportunity! The difficulty is choosing which one to take. When you ask for something, expect your cup to spill over...

And what would Christ say? Follow me.

2011-11-21T20:51:00.001-08:00

I really enjoy being patient. I like the calmness that comes over my heart. I like exercising a sense of peace.

It is healthy to nurture our ability to wait. Being able to wait for someone to understand, wait for a behavior to change, wait for good timing.

I like being patient because I feel like I am serving others. I suppose, in this way, patience is love. When I am tutoring a challenging student and I need to be extra patient, I find a great satisfaction in it, because I am doing it for someone else.

Maybe it is more difficult to be patient when we are selfish. How can we wait for others if we put ourselves first?

Death of Self

2011-11-07T12:50:00.000-08:00

“There was a day when I died; died to self, my opinions, preferences, tastes and will; died to the world, its approval or censure; died to the approval or blame even of my brethren or friends; and since then I have studied only to show myself approved unto God." ~ George Mueller

This is not a statement to make lightly.

Mueller speaks of the death of the self. This comes through intense suffering. We don't wake up one day and simply "die to self" because we "want" to.... The self never wants to die.... That is why its death is so painful, why we lose so much over the course of our lives, why it's so hard to let go.

Faith is a constant practice. It must be maintained through a lifetime, just like a good diet or exercise. The death of self might occur... but that doesn't mean it can't slip in again. It is a narrow path.

My prayer when I was younger was for God to let me suffer so others didn't have to. Now I pray for the strength to survive; the strength to shoulder my own suffering, never mind that of my neighbor. Life is a lot harder as an adult than as a child; the faith that was so easy to maintain when I was young and sheltered is now challenged almost daily. It is not challenged by thought, but by action -- am I generous enough, patient enough, caring enough to my fellow man? Or am I becoming like everyone else, terrified, focused only on survival, too tired and frustrated to pay attention. This is a new faith I am learning; a faith that must come from the inside, no matter what the circumstances. A faith that must extend to include others; to embrace others as they are, without demanding change or perfection. God didn't make us to be perfect, but He did make us to love.

2011-10-11T08:06:00.000-07:00

And again, you have heard me, and answered.

Thank you, God, for watching out for my family.

A moment of truth: that I want to die for them, everyone. Does that make sense? That in the deepest core of my heart is this eager yearning to sacrifice, to place myself upon an altar. God, I want to give all of myself to you, to them. In some ways, I suppose I already have -- it was an even trade, was it not? My heart for Yours?

I am in love now, I suppose, with a man. We are together; he is a blessing, and people are not made to be alone. But even love distracts from this burning desire in my heart. It is not something that I could ever share, nor have I ever shared, with anyone else. It is my deepest secret, this yearning desire to sacrifice my life for the world. I've never been in this place before, where a relationship is a cold ember compared to the love between me and God. I do not need anyone, though I am happy to share my day with someone else. I am happier now, I feel the ability to move forward, even if I am a different person than I was before. I am still familiarizing myself with all of the changes, all of the ways I have grown, and the spikes and slivers where I am still the same. I am more of myself. I am a new self? I am no one.

With God, I am whole. I am empty, and I am whole. It becomes a duality, it blurs, it is one thing, wholeness and emptiness, like a cup full of light, weightless, filled to the brim. And in love now with a man, I can see the difference, I can recognize God's love as a giving love, a selfless love, unconditional. When we fall in love, infatuation, it is a taking love, a judging love, an evaluating, selfish thing. Love evolves, but this is how we begin, not knowing the difference between taking love and giving love. I see the challenge of marriage: to transform the selfish to the selfless; to understand ourselves and both separate and entwined. It is the journey of the heart; the evolution of the soul. God, you are brilliant. Through our need for one another, we come to know You, even if we do not realize Your work.

Love Letters VI

2011-10-03T17:49:00.000-07:00

And where are You, but in my very thoughts and mind?

You are my heart, when it is quiet in prayer.

You are the time I spend on the grass, sitting and watching all that moves around me; never a moment devoid of wonder, when one looks and sees the Spirit.

And in dreams, where I have seen Your art drawn for me, symbols on bleeding hands....

And waking, when I hear your voice the strongest, sweet in the morning, when all is placid as the unbroken surface of a lake... What is Your music, Lord? This endless sound, it is Your name, over and over in my heart, Your name....

And when we sit and write, we are never alone. When we speak and whisper, when I confide to you my dreams and hopes, and laugh, because you are the one who planted them, so of course you must know, but still I must confess, because the heart is treacherous steep....

But God, do I not already know? And though worldly things slip by me, cunning wisdom, sleek words and deft hands... do I not stand by the bed of a dying man, and feel his seconds draining, feel Your peace in the room, and know exactly where he goes? I am blind, but not to Your work, Lord.

And you whisper things, and I hear them.

2011-09-24T16:32:00.000-07:00

Please God, I know your miracles, and I see your blessings in the lives of those I love, even those who remain distant from you.

Please God, hear my sincere prayers. Please God, save them, deliver them from their struggles. Let rain your blessings.

I do not believe there is punishment in the Kingdom of Heaven. No, there is only change, and change, though we do not always like it, is the greatest evidence of God's design.

God, please deliver those I love from the evil of their own imperfections. Please God, protect them from the sins of others, from selfish intentions and honest mistakes. Please God, forgive them on my grace, because they do not know you, and it is not their fault. Please God, be a Father to them as You are to me, because that is my humble request. Show them Your unconditional love. Save them.

Confessions IV

2011-09-01T15:47:00.000-07:00

God, it is all so hard, you make me want to hide in your walls, under your bench, and never crawl out again.

I am burying myself in your fields, Lord.

It isn't healthy to smother ourselves, but at times all we can do is act, because sitting still is too painful, and when we are still, we feel all of the motion inside of us, the unending surges of grief and hope, of longing and despair, frustration as we try to understand ourselves and why we feel like we are drowning.

But we are drowning with You, Lord. You made this ocean.

Oh Lord of my Heart -- why bring me to my knees when I am already upon them in prayer?

How to See God (cont.)

2011-08-31T16:11:00.000-07:00

The reason why most people have difficulty seeing God is because they don't have the right perspective.

First -- if you are looking for God, do you really know what you are looking for?

Are you looking for a man? A woman?

Are you looking for love? For continuity? For a profound experience?

Are you looking for a sense of peace and stability in your life?

When you say "God," what do you really mean?

We talk about God all the time at Church and with other believers, but how often do we stop and really think about our perception of God? Is God a King to you? Is He a separate entity hovering somewhere in space or another dimension? Is He something abstract, a word, or a sense of meaning that you are lacking from your life? If you are looking for God, where are you looking, and what are you focusing on?

These are extremely important questions to consider if you are looking for God. Change what you are looking for, and you might just see it.

Here is a simple way to know God:

Pray.

And watch.

And keep your eyes open.

Remember: God is not something that you control. You cannot "force God to show Himself," as though you were herding a deer into an open meadow. God has His own timing and way of doing things. Do not look for an angel in the clouds or an unexplained envelope of money in your mailbox. God is right in front of you, but this is not how to see Him.

Instead, be patient. Pray, and watch for opportunity. Look for coincidence in the world around you. It is difficult for the mind to understand, but God is the world, God is your heart, and when you begin praying/communicating with God, you begin moving by His timing, then His blessings and bounty begin to fill your life by otherwise ordinary means. No, you will not receive an unexplained envelope of cash in your mailbox... but suddenly you might receive a raise at work. Stop looking for God in the clouds. We are already living inside of the miracle. Watch how it works around you.

Seeing God has nothing to do with where you look. It is the eyes you see with. God is all around you, all the time, but we do not see Him because we are not "wearing the right glasses." To see God, we must change our internal perspective. We must believe in Him and trust that, if we ask, He will make Himself known to us. And then, when coincidences begin to happen, we must not close our eyes. It can be terrifying at first, seeing God work in our lives. It is strange and exhilarating, suddenly feeling as though the world is moving to accommodate for us. But do not turn away. Eventually God will be more than coincidence, and you will know His Presence in everything, and then you will see God and Life for what it really is.

How to See God

2011-08-26T10:53:00.000-07:00

God is so big, how else is He supposed to communicate with us, except through coincidence?

Case and Point: I recently went camping in the Sequoias with four friends and an old RV. I prayed several days before the camping trip that God bless the trip and let it be a rejuvenating experience for everyone. I prayed all week, because I was nervous about the trip and really wanted it to go well.

The morning that we left for the trip, an old man just happened to be walking outside of my house. I greeted him and we chatted briefly about the RV and my trip. When he heard that I was going to the redwood trees, he said, "I love it up in the Sequoias. Angels made them, you know. They're a blessing on earth. Do you study the Bible, by any chance?" He then invited me to a Bible study that he holds at his house every Monday night.

I thought it was a strange coincidence that I would meet someone who spoke so openly about God on the very morning that I was leaving on my trip.

Sadly, it seemed that everything that could go wrong, did go wrong on the first day of the camping trip. The RV broke down 3 times on the road to the Sequoias. A 4-hour drive turned into an overnight extravaganza, "camping" on the side of the road halfway up a mountain when the RV finally died at 1am. Despite all of the terrible things that could have happened, we were able to keep the RV running, and even more importantly, everyone stayed in high spirits. We made it to our camp ground and found ourselves stunned by how intensely beautiful the camp site was. We spent the next four days hiking, eating, and lazing around in the outdoors. When we finally left, everyone gushed about how perfect and wonderful the camping trip was, and how they couldn't wait to do it again.

Did God stop the RV from breaking down? No.

Did God work in our hearts so that, even when everything went wrong, we stayed in good spirits and still had a great time? Yes. Exactly.

And how did I know that the camping trip would be perfect? Because on the morning that we left, God sent one of His workers to my house to hint at His presence. God sent me a coincidence. Through the presence of another believer, I knew that my prayers had been answered, and that God's joy would be with us in the sequoias.

This is how God speaks to us, and this is how we begin to see Him... not in the wonder of His creations, such as the redwood trees... but as an incidental meeting, a crossing of paths, between two people who have the Spirit in their hearts. The old man may not have said it directly, but his presence confirmed the truth -- that God heard me, that God answered, and that God wants me to know He's here.

But the greatest of these is love....

2011-08-26T09:48:00.000-07:00

^"1 If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

I understand what Paul is saying when he speaks of love. My honest thoughts are that I have always understood the importance of love in faith, even though I am not perfect and I do not always act out of love. When I found God, it was Love that made itself known to me; pure and intense Love that cannot be fully described or understood. God has always made Himself known to me as Love, so when Paul talks about love, and about "knowing in part and knowing fully," I understand exactly what he means.

The love we experience within our families and in relationships is not the same Love that God is. They should really be two separate words. It is as Paul said... the love we have on earth is only "in part," it is incomplete, imperfect, soiled by selfishness and neediness, tainted by the fear of loss and our own insecurities. God's Love surpasses this so completely that it must be named something else. It is like comparing a lump of coal to a diamond, or a pine cone to a redwood tree. God's Love is perfect. God's Love is so complete that it created Life. God's Love created you.

And when we act and pray with God's Love in our hearts, miracles happen, because God's Love is Life.

Leading by Example

2011-08-14T10:11:00.000-07:00

Actions speak louder than words.

I have found much more success in changing the hearts of others by showing my faith through actions, not so much by arguing or trying to convince through words. I have found that having a kind and uplifting character does much more than sitting and arguing. When others see our happiness and joy in faith, they begin to wonder what they are missing -- and don't be fooled by a bitter heart. Everyone wants faith, every soul yearns for God's love... even if they can't identify the source of their own longing.

I could sit here and write out a long list of all of the small things I do each day to serve the people around me... I could also sit here and write a long list of all the times I grow impatient or selfish. The bottom line is that, when one believes powerfully in God and shows their faith through compassion and generosity, people congregate around you. People are naturally drawn to you and begin to imitate you. By letting your own light shine, you allow the light in others to shine as well. By believing in God, you give the people around you permission to do the same. By being good, you remind others that we are all, essentially, good.

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:14-16

Thoughts on Christianity

2011-08-12T08:58:00.000-07:00

For most of my life up to this point, I have avoided calling myself Christian. Something about the label always bothered me; I didn't want all the negative stereotypes that apply to "Christian" to also apply to me. Since I was raised by atheists, these stereotypes were very prevalent in my home. Christianity was synonymous with "judgmental, irrational, ignorant, superstitious, and belligerent." I wanted people to see my faith for what it was, something I had experienced in the purity and sincerity of my childhood, not a string of negative connotations that would push them away.

But a part of growing in my faith has been realizing that, as we get older, we need ways of explaining ourselves to others. People as a whole are not that smart or open-minded, and they can only understand faith in terms of what they are familiar with -- in this case, the Bible, Christ, and Christianity. I am understanding now that there are as many different kinds of Christians as there are different kinds of people, and the next challenge for my faith is not to maintain an ambivalent, "in between" belief system where I pick and choose from various traditions. No, the next challenge for my faith is to embrace a tradition and grow from it. Learn from those who have come before me. Get over my pride and submit to the experience and wisdom of hundreds of generations.

And the honest truth is that when I read the teachings of Christ, it all rings true for me. Not everything in the Bible strikes me as being spiritually potent and accurate, but the words of Christ do. The way he explains God matches up exactly with my own experience of faith, and the Spirit that confronted me when I was first saved, before I had ever been introduced to Christianity or anyone's teachings, before I even learned what the Holy Spirit was. God was with me before Christianity, and coming from that perspective, when I first read the teachings of Christ, I felt as though they had already been imprinted on my heart, as though I was reading something that was old news, because my experience of salvation had already imparted those truths in my heart and spirit.

I still believe that there are many different ways to practice faith in God... and everyone needs to find the way that helps them grow in their relationship to God... but, if all ways are the same Way, then instead of picking and choosing from different doctrines, find one doctrine and stick to it. Following a religion, in this sense, is not really about "being right" or "knowing more"... it is about having a daily practice, something to challenge us to let go of our prior beliefs and seek a new way of life, something that changes us in ways that we need to be changed.

I still like to learn about different religions because it brings me joy to hear about God's ways, but I understand now that I must dedicate myself to only one... otherwise it is very difficult to grow spiritually; it is easy to become overwhelmed or lazy, or to hold back from what one is doing, to stop oneself from fully plunging into the journey. Spirituality and faith, after all, is more about forgetting what you think you know than understanding everything. We will never understand all of the secrets of life. God's secrets are ineffable and found only in the heart, and the heart can be reached through any religion, or no religion at all, as I hope my experiences have shown you. God's truth, however, remains the same and consistent across all teachings.

All truth being the same, choose one doctrine and live by it. I choose Christ. He is my Way.

2011-08-05T15:11:00.001-07:00

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
Ephesians 4:29

2011-08-05T10:45:00.000-07:00

He knows us so thoroughly.... It leaves me in endless awe how God fulfills our desires, even the ones we don't realize we have. Perhaps, in some cases, the fulfillment in momentary... a brief relationship or a day that goes much better than planned, a meeting with an old friend, etc... yet still God sees directly at the heart of the matter and brings us each to where we ideally belong.

God has a place for me, for my faith. It is not a place that I can imagine, nor do I think that anyone can imagine their own ideal home in the world, because we are barely acquainted with ourselves. But God knows all things, and if we are patient and follow in His footsteps, abide by His ways, then we reach that ideal place. Through each stage of our lives, even in deep suffering, we are in an ideal place.

Everything is always moving, in the process of becoming something else. I, too, must allow my faith to move and progress. I must allow myself to see God in different ways, so that I might understand to the best of my ability all that my Father is... because He is so many things, all things, and I am only one thing... and He is One in me....

2011-08-02T09:10:00.001-07:00

"When love beckons to you follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth....

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears. Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully."

-Khalil Gibran (The Prophet)

2011-08-02T09:08:00.000-07:00

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars."
-Khalil Gibran

2011-07-29T09:38:00.000-07:00

I can't stand how judgmental some religious people can be. Just because a person follows a religion doesn't make him or her "a better person." I was raised by the most loving man you could ever imagine; a man who was a widower and sacrificed everything for his kids -- and guess what? He was an atheist. To this day, I still can't find anyone as good and honest as my father. Why would God create something so wonderful and then discard it? And why would God place me in a household of atheists, knowing that I would eventually be His daughter? There is a lesson here; nothing is coincidence.

We shouldn't be so quick to assume that we understand anything about God. I feel like some people cling to the Bible because they don't really think God exists... at least, not beyond a book. A book is something easy to believe in; it's firm, touchable, readable, etc. But God -- God is complicated, invisible, practically undetectable for the average man or woman, in the same way that oxygen and nutrients pass through our body without our conscious knowledge. Who can really believe in something that they haven't seen themselves?

God's realm is the heart and it is through a person's actions that we can determine their closeness to God. Selfless and loving people are better acquainted with the Spirit of God than those who point fingers and judge; no matter what a person professes with their mouth, it is by action that we are saved, by action that we come to know Christ, and essentially it is by actions that we are judged.

Look to a person's actions, and you will see the true quality of their faith.

By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit.

Matthew 7:16-18

2011-07-22T08:30:00.000-07:00

How gentle God is, and how loving, and how forgiving....

and how sheltered He has made me, both hands cupped at my sides

and His feet under mine, holding me up like a child; who can walk on their own?

None of us, certainly. He has brought all things

into my life, new blessings, new worlds, new love

and all things have been kind on my journey.

2011-07-21T15:16:00.000-07:00

I believe in a God who does not leave anyone behind. Not even those who want to be left. God does not abandon His children.

2011-07-21T08:34:00.000-07:00

It is hard to get anything done on earth if we are afraid of suffering. We must let go of that fear.

It is easy to suffer when we do it for a higher purpose, a higher love.

We reach a point when love and suffering become almost the same thing, because real love craves to be selfless, and selfless acts are always sacrifices, always in the attempt to relieve suffering. So by suffering, we are better able to love, better able to sacrifice ourselves, better able to draw close to God and the Spirit that resides within us.

A thought on gifts....

2011-07-20T09:15:00.000-07:00

How is it then, brethren? Whenever you come together, each of you has a psalm, has a teaching, has a tongue, has a revelation, has an interpretation. Let all things be done for edification.
1 Corinthians 14:26

God has given us all unique talents through which we can understand Him. I am endlessly amazed by the talents of others, both the obvious and the latent. It makes me wonder why God gives us certain lives; why a man with a talent for carpentry might also have an unused penchant for music and art. How a great philosopher might grow up as a cattle shepherd in Africa. So much hidden potential, and God doesn't always choose to use it. We are given things that we don't need, that we never use, simply for the pleasure of having them in us.

Which brings me to a thought on my own talents. As an English major and writer, I look at my own proficiency with language, and I have decided that God's greatest gift to me is not language, necessarily. It is music.

Because God's voice is music, and language must have a rhythm in order to be clearly read and understood. God's voice strikes a note in the body, an ineffable chord, and all I do is take that music and put words to it. My father was a talented pianist with a doctorate in Music Composition from UCLA. My mother, too, was a gifted pianist. My penchant for music has been funneled into a penchant for writing, because when it comes to both life and the arts, rhythm is in everything. This is the gift I can use to glorify and understand God, and God has given it to me to use freely. It is all I can do to try to give it back.

And now a finishing through from Corinthians:

What is the conclusion then? I will pray with the spirit, and I will also pray with the understanding. I will sing with the spirit, and I will also sing with the understanding.
1 Corinthians 14:15

14 The Lord is my strength and song,
And He has become my salvation.
Psalm 118:14

2011-07-14T17:07:00.000-07:00

Happy to be an instrument.

Happy to carry the tune.

Fear and Perfect Love

2011-07-06T10:48:00.000-07:00

"Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love." 1 John 4:18

This passage from John has jumped out at me several times this week, so I figured I would write a few thoughts about it. I like this commentary by the Jamieson-Fausset-Brown Bible:

"Fear has no place in love. Bold confidence (1Jo 4:17), based on love, cannot coexist with fear. Love, which, when perfected, gives bold confidence, casts out fear (compare Heb 2:14, 15). The design of Christ's propitiatory death was to deliver from this bondage of fear."

I do feel that since losing my parents and having to rely solely on God to bring blessings and opportunity to my life, that I have found within myself a bold confidence. A certain fearlessness... one might go so far as to call it recklessness... when it comes to taking worldly action. I am not afraid to rely on faith, or to speak out about God. I am not afraid to take chances, to face the unknown, to tread in that horrible borderland where we feel internally and externally out of control, out of place. I know that where I go, faith goes with me, and it's not something that will ever be lost.

I am not immune to all fear, though... for instance, allowing myself to be vulnerable in friendships and relationships is very difficult, and I am, of course, afraid of the pain of a broken heart.... I am afraid of losing people... not to death, but to life; people who come into my life who give me strength, and who then leave, continuing in whatever direction life takes them. It is a terrifying process, learning to stand on our own, with only our hearts as a guide. I am not there yet. But God's faith is a solid foundation and, stone by stone, I am getting stronger. His perfect love is what builds us.

But I wonder, sometimes, if we are ever truly meant to stand alone.... We are made to need each other, to need God. But to what extent? Is that my spiritual goal -- to be strong and whole, but only when I am alone? To be honest, it does not seem like much of a challenge. I think it is easy for us to feel whole when there is no one around to remind us of our shortcomings, our vulnerabilities and insecurities. But that is not true wholeness, something that hides behind walls like a wounded animal.

No, the wholeness I seek is one that includes others. One that will allow me to overcome my insecurities and anti-social tendencies and embrace people for all of their faults and imperfections. I want God's wholeness, God's perfect love, God's patience and acceptance of all things. I want bold confidence in all things, so that I might be a more loving and generous person. How can I share God's love if I am afraid to share myself openly with others? Where do we draw the line between protecting our hearts and offering our hearts as tools of salvation? It is something that time will have to teach me....

I will finish with this thought from St. Augustine:

"As in sewing, we see the thread passed through by the needle. The needle is first pushed in, but the thread cannot be introduced until the needle is brought out. So fear first occupies the mind, but does not remain permanently, because it entered for the purpose of introducing love."

2011-07-04T12:40:00.000-07:00

There is joy in submission. In fact, the only joy is submission.

True bliss is liberation from self.

You can't destroy your smaller self; you are not fighting a war with some internal apparition. That is for God to do. Life will remove it for you. It is a painful process until it is finished. You must submit to it. Your only duty is to follow where God takes you. Liberation is not a process that can be understood. Only God knows the path that will bring you to that moment... and then the path continues.

__________

What is difficult now will become easy.
What feels unnatural will become your nature.
What is impermanent will be stricken from you.
It is found in simplicity. It is found in humility. Once found, it is never lost.
It is not an idea. It is an experience. It is a part of yourself. Ultimately, it is ineffable.

Confessions III

2011-06-27T14:41:00.000-07:00

I sincerely want to live the rest of my life practicing all of God's ways. Christ, I want to be to the world what you were. I want to save them as you saved them.

What is a baptism? It can't possibly be just one isolated event. God's baptism, that of the heart, happens over and over again. It is like walking up a long, slow staircase. Each time we put a foot down, we have a new peace, a new understanding of our place in His work.

He fills us with what we can carry. He fills us again and again. And the cup deepens.

Some of us wade into the ocean up to our ankles. Some of us wade up to our knees, our waists. God, I want to tread water. Eventually, Christ, I would like to walk as You walked, pace back and forth across the ocean knowing my Father's hands are around me. I will be His adopted child, His smallest flower, His wild thing of faith.

I do not think there is shame in wanting this. I do not think it is blasphemous. I think only God can know my sincerity, and if God planted these desires in my heart, then I only pray that He fulfill them. I do not know what that will mean. I do not know the road. But even if it strips everything from me, as it already has... even if I am brought to my knees again and again, and made to crawl... I will not change my mind. God has graced me with His innocence and insurmountable courage. God has given me His Heart and Armor.

I have seen His mountains, and I will not turn away.

2011-06-27T13:59:00.000-07:00

You can't earn God's love. You have nothing that He needs that He hasn't already given to you. Focus instead on giving God's love to those who may not feel it so strongly. Love is what marks a believer. Love is what makes a believer. The Word of God is Love.

And sometimes, God is a poem....

2011-06-26T00:09:00.001-07:00

"-- For I have learned
to look on nature, not as in the hour
Of thoughtless youth; but hearing oftentimes
The still, sad music of humanity,
Nor harsh nor grating, though of ample power
To chasten and subdue. And I have felt
A presence that disturbs me with the joy
Of elevated thoughts; a sense sublime
Of something far more deeply interfused,
Whose dwelling is the light of setting suns,
And the round ocean and the living air,
And the blue sky, and in the mind of man:
A motion and a spirit, that impels
All thinking things, all objects of all thought,
And rolls through all things. Therefore am I still
A lover of the meadows and the woods,
And mountains; and of all that we behold
From this green earth; of all the mighty world
Of eye, and ear -- both what they half create,
And what perceive; well pleased to recognize
In nature and the language of the sense
The anchor of my purest thoughts, the nurse,
The guide, the guardian of my heart, and soul
Of all my moral being."

-William Wordsworth, "Lines"

A walk in the gardens....

2011-06-25T14:09:00.000-07:00

Summer has come. I am feeling the thaw.

Every time I have prayed for a man in my life, for someone to love and share my burdens, I received back the answer that "he will choose me." Meaning, he will pick me and pursue me, and I have little control of when or who that will be.

And so, after months and months of desperate longing, I have reached a place of solace, a cottage of sorts, muffled from the world. I am not whole. God knows I will never be... but that is what God wants, and in the sightless way of my own small heart, I have finally stopped looking. I have made peace with loneliness. I have stopped looking for a savior in anyone other than Christ.

I am far from accepting all of the imperfections of the world, but God is showing me how to continue to love the world despite them. Faith is a long journey -- as my 90-year-old grandfather often says, we never stop growing in faith. I am very new to the road.

Did I mention that my Uncle died? My father's only brother, the last of our bloodline. This is God's impeccable timing. We went to Washington to visit my grandparents and I was worried that it would be our last time seeing them, since they are in their 90s, but instead it was my uncle who passed away. We spent the night at his house -- the next day he was gone. His heart stopped with no warning. Despite the shock of the death, I am somehow unsurprised... when I lost my mother at 12, I prayed for God to always give me the chance to say goodbye to those I love. So far that prayer has been answered.

God knows what death is and what it does to us... yet all things that God makes are good, so death must not be such a horrible thing, and the misery it raises in us must be for a higher purpose, something far greater than we can understand. I am as sure of this as I am of my own name. In all the strange contradictions of my person, I, too, am death, and death is alive in me, and we are siblings, he and I.

And finally, finally, I have reached that place of calm summer nights and long sunsets, where I am happy to be alone. Perhaps not always or in every second... God knows we waver as an ocean... but this is a peace I have found deep within myself, and I can return to it as often as I need. God's gardens are a deep walk through the heart. God's happiness is in valuing all things, and most importantly, in seeing what we have... and accepting that it will be taken away....

But what always, always remains is God's magnanimous love, His awe-inspiring presence, His endless grace and the foundations He has laid in my heart. Even in misery, I am in bliss, for I walk with my true Father and the One who will always love me.

Christ....

2011-06-23T15:21:00.000-07:00

It can only be the spirit of Christ who has kept me alive this past year.

So many times have dark thoughts passed through me... so many times I have doubted, tossed and turned, thrown God's gifts away and then driven back to recover what was lost.

I do not think anyone will truly understand what happened to me. Losing my father was not the death of a person. It was the death of myself, the death of an entire future that lived inside of me. Even now, my feet often trip over moments and minutes where I am once again lost and collapsing. Everything I ever thought of myself, everything I ever looked forward to, that I ever expected to have, was struck from me in one fell blow. The only thing that was not taken from me was God.

And now that the ocean is calming, that a new season is beginning, I can see exactly the barren landscape that I am leaving behind. I can see the winter that God turned into a garden; the dormant flowers that still found enough Light to bloom. I can see the hopeless, spiraling tunnels where I wandered indefinitely in search of what I had lost, knowing I would never find it again, not in this life and who knows what awaits in Heaven. I have been walking a hellscape with Christ at my side. How do I ever explain to an atheist what faith has done to me? It has built me anew. It has made me more of who I am, and more of what He is, and more of what God wants me to be.

And my longings, my desires, my painful and sacrificial love of God... it is Christ. It is Christ who loves me so much that He gave me some of His grace, some of His magnanimous spirit, to keep me alive. To keep me from descending into a realm where I might have been lost forever. That is where my desires arise from, my longing to serve, my need to submit to God. It does not come from myself. It comes from Christ, who has found space in my heart to live through me -- to save me.

I am finally beginning to understand that Christ never died. He is next to all of us, inside of us, living with us and suffering with us. Christ carried my cross for the past two years and I have been lifted by His unconquerable heart. I have done nothing but cry and complain. I am so weak, so far from what I want to be for God, and yet exactly what God has made. Any beauty that has come out of me these past two years -- beauty in verse, in life, in word and in love -- has come purely from the Spirit of my Lord and Father.

God, thank you for being my family. Thank you for giving me Your Son. Although the tides are changing, I pray only that I may continue to be your daughter, and that wherever these new fields take me, it will always be in greater service to Your Will.

Confessions II

2011-06-13T19:55:00.000-07:00

And sometimes, we let people go.

It's always for the best.

It doesn't always make sense why God brings certain people into our lives, and then ushers them out, as though they were only meant to be displayed for a short while. At times it feels like nails being pried from an old board. We want to grasp others and hold them still... but as St. Therese of Lisieux once said, life is separation, and we must learn to happily let go.

I allow people to effect me. For every person I meet, I watch for God's message, for what God wants me to see. And then, when I have seen what needs to be seen, God has a way of taking people away.

I don't resent God for this. I have left behind many who I felt were impinging my personal growth. But it doesn't stop the decision from hurting, and it doesn't keep us from loneliness. I often wonder if Christ was lonely; I know he must have been, doing all of his work by himself, with all odds against him.

We outgrow some, while others outgrow us... and yet, there is always a sense of abandonment, a feeling of being left behind, even when it is by choice. I have said my share of harsh words and dealt with situations perhaps in the worst ways... but my goodwill has never left those who I've left behind. My heart does not linger, but is always inviting. Anyone may walk with me -- but walk I must, and it is they who choose not to stay by my side.

2011-06-13T17:39:00.001-07:00

Because God reached beyond Himself to show me that I am Loved.

2011-06-09T12:59:00.000-07:00

We are not in a place that we are not meant to be. There is no missed opportunity. I keep saying this to myself because what I have asked from God must be planned perfectly, and it is not something that I can plan or do by myself. I cannot know the future, I can only trust in the present and the path God has placed me on. I see evidence of His design... but I am constantly on the watch for the next step.

God, put a rope on me, close your hands around me, keep me from pushing and shoving my way forward while you are patiently clearing a path. God, stop me from leaping; there is a time for rushing, and there is a time for standing still.

Speaking and Listening

2011-06-02T16:56:00.000-07:00

It's hard not to dwell on the things people say.

But the honest truth is that most people don't speak very carefully. We rarely consider how our words effect others. We rarely consider what our words say about ourselves.

No matter how confident a person seems, their opinion is still just an opinion. You don't have to listen. Just remember -- the voice a person uses to speak with is the same voice they have to live with in their own head. Highly critical people probably suffer from a feeling of personal failure or shortcoming, because their own internal voice won't allow them the sense of personal satisfaction. Likewise, those who speak encouragingly also think encouraging thoughts, and are probably much more forgiving of their own shortcomings.

Those with God in their hearts will speak encouragingly to you. They will consider how their words effect you. They will go beyond themselves to lift you up, to put the right message in your mind to allow you to succeed.

Those who try to tear you down are also tearing down themselves.

Don't dwell too long on the things people say. Instead, seek to develop a forgiving and encouraging inner voice. When your encouragement and forgiveness come from the inside, you stop looking for it from others, and you become that much stronger in faith and in personal character.

2011-05-31T07:37:00.000-07:00

Life is full of separation.

Let no one's absence be a cause for suffering. People come and go. Let the happiness in your life come from within you. This way it can never be taken away.

Likewise, let your faith come from within you.

Thoughts on Patience

2011-05-27T13:30:00.000-07:00

Patience is, of course, a virtue.

I have been dwelling upon it lately. What is patience, and how can patience show us God?

To know God, we give ourselves over to something greater. We take a "leap of faith," we plunge ourselves with total trust into the unknown. We trust something infinitely huge and powerful to take care of us... and yet something that we cannot always see.

To have patience, we must give ourselves over to something greater. When we are tutoring a slow learner, or standing in line at the post office, or stuck in traffic... patience is a form of surrender. It is a sacrifice made to those hours when we are unable to be where we want to be, or do what we want to do. Patience is, in this sense, generosity. Patience is momentary selflessness.

Patience is also peace. It is the ability to be in the moment we are in, to accept where we are and lay to rest our desires, our worries, etc. Peace, also, is surrender. Peace is sacrifice.

And for those who serve God, we are asked for endless patience... patience with a world that perhaps does not understand our vocation at all. Patience with a world that demands when, and what do you want, and how are you going to get there? The world does not always understand a person who wants nothing for himself. The world does not always understand why we wait, why we are content to act beyond ourselves, to give five minutes more of our time, to wait in line with just enough grace to smile. God asks us to be patient. God tells us that perhaps, when we are patient, we stand that much closer to Him.

2011-05-13T16:41:00.001-07:00

God, much is changing, and much has changed.

I am concerned about my friends, about those who you have placed in my path. I cannot help but include myself in their trials -- isn't this love? And yet, I do not understand what you make some lives to be. I do not understand the design. It is like staring at a picture, with large spaces and gaps between the paint, attempting to recognize an alien landscape. The spiritual eye is, at times, color blind. I cannot see all of your colors, God -- how can I possibly understand the trials you lay on the ones I love?

And yet my heart, too, is in the mix. Why do you bring me to them, if I cannot help them? I cannot fix the situations they have brought upon themselves, and yet I pray and pray, and lose sleep, and worry until my heart strains and I cannot bear it anymore. Give their trials to me, Lord, and let them walk free. Give me their burdens, because I can suffer for you and retain your love, and they do not have your strength. Please, God, give them mercy. They do not know you... but perhaps, through my love of you, they can see a little of what you are.

2011-05-10T08:42:00.000-07:00

God, why can't I just be thankful?

I am lesser than a blade of grass, because a blade of grass is content to be as you have made it, and I cannot be content in my station. I keep praying and pushing... and when I relax and move with the flow, still I push, because for some of us, we have been waiting already for half of our lives, and we want nothing more than to finally move.

There is a terrible sense of urgency. There is too much that needs to be done. I must remind myself that your pace, at times, is mercifully slow.

Take me there.

2011-05-01T20:50:00.000-07:00

The game of life is to change. To change and move and learn to see yourself through a thousand different lenses. By constantly changing, life shows us permanence.

Perfection is not simple. God is not simple. Love craves to suffer, that it may ever prove itself; death creates beauty; we feel the world through chemicals. Everything we think we know about God is wrong.

In all of my life, this is the only thing that God has proven true: that He is composed of thriving, unconditional love... and that He is always by my side.

2011-05-01T20:23:00.000-07:00

Do good deeds, and God will always be in your heart.

Speak kind words, and God will always be in your voice.

Think kind thoughts, and God will always be in your mind.

Be compassionate. Give of yourself without restraint. Always love first.

What We See and What We Think We See

2011-04-15T09:38:00.000-07:00

We like to think of life as this:

When really, life is much more like this:

AND we tend to think of GOD like this:

But really, GOD is much more visible as this:

Can you see how different our ideas of God are compared to that which is right in front of us? I think a lot of suffering stems on the insistence of an idea, or clinging too tightly to a concept. We think in linear structures, from point A to point B, in terms of direct cause and effect. We insist on seeing God as someone or something that is linear, human, who thinks the way we do. But God's creations and the events of our lives contradict this in every possible way. Our lives are not a straight path... in fact, they are a wilderness. God is not a man, not anthropomorphic, not hiding in a cloud. He is right in front of you.

On this Day in Your Life, God wants you to know...

2011-04-13T22:46:00.001-07:00

"... that the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang the best. Do not wait; the time will never be 'just right'. Start where you are, work with whatever is at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along."

2011-04-12T22:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I sit outside and I find myself suddenly struck by the now, by the wind through the trees, and there You are, waiting for me, and a peace consumes me like slow quicksand. Suddenly I am sitting on grass, looking in wonder upon every surface, wondering how can it be You -- how can all of this Be You?

And sometimes I forget what You are, and I feel despaired, alone, backed into a corner and turned towards a wall. But I have only to bow my head in worship, honor the Wall, honor the Floor, honor the Pain because even You are Suffering....

You promised us nothing, Lord. You are not a joy free from suffering, but a suffering that is full of satisfaction. Being full, though not eating what we wish to eat. Being whole, though not composed of that which we choose.

Pray. Trust. Follow.

Words from Mother Teresa

2011-04-12T19:51:00.000-07:00

8/1/64

"Your Lordship,
...

You must have prayed very fervently for me, because it is now about a month that there is in my heart a very deep union with the will of God. I accept not in my feelings, but with my will, the Will of God. I accept His will -- not only for time but for eternity. In my soul -- I can't tell you how dark it is, how painful, how terrible. -- My feelings are so treacherous. I feel like "Refusing God" and yet, the biggest and the hardest to bear -- is this terrible longing for God. Pray for me, that I may not turn a Judas to Jesus in this painful darkness. I was looking forward to speaking to you. I just long to speak -- and this too He seems to have taken the power from me. I will not complain. I accept His Holy Will just as it comes to me. If you have the time please write -- do not mind my inability to speak to you -- for I wanted to speak -- but I could not...."

- Saint Teresa of Calcutta (because, whether the Church deign it or not, she is a Saint.)

Even Mother Teresa despaired. Even her own suffering made her speechless. But she pressed on.

2011-04-08T15:36:00.001-07:00

Politics are a power game that man plays with itself. God's only interest is the state of your heart.

Seeds

2011-04-08T15:34:00.000-07:00

I am not trying to change anyone's faith. I am simply trying to strengthen the faith that you already have. And where I see no faith, I try to plant a seed. Planting seeds is easy. You do not tell a person you are doing it. You tell them a story, or an event, or something interesting you've read about faith, and then you indirectly relate it to their life.... It works even better if you do not say it directly to them, but let them overhear you in conversation. It is when a person feels the safest that they truly listen. Don't forget that you are speaking to the lost, and that they want to find a way. Everyone wants faith, even if they do not know it.

When they go home, they think about it. They think and think. Because for all that an "unbeliever" might despise God, in times of need, he will think about God the most. Eventually, circumstance will bring the "unbeliever" to a time and place when the seed will burst into bloom, and they will begin their tentative steps toward faith. There are times that I plant a seed or idea, and perhaps months later, I hear it come out of the person's mouth as though it was their very own, and they look so proud of their revelation, and they seem so much happier for it. And I smile and think -- yes, it has begun. Now God can show them the way.

2011-04-08T12:03:00.000-07:00

God is a sound that unites everything. It is heard through the body, not by the ears. It feels like all-encompassing love.

The Heart and The Armor

2011-04-07T16:52:00.000-07:00

God teaches us to be loving and forgiving. God teaches us to be selfless, humble, and sincere. God teaches us to "treat others as we wish to be treated."

But anyone who lives in the real world knows that there are times when sweet-talk just doesn't work. When being the "nice guy" doesn't help anyone. Keeping an open, loving heart doesn't stop us from being trampled by those who are selfish, mean or spiteful. In fact, being a loving child of God is often cause for more pain from shallow insensitivity, more suffering than immediate reward.

Many people who do God's work have very sensitive hearts. They are sensitive to the suffering of others, which is what compels them to act. They are sensitive to the repercussions of harsh words, because often they feel the harshness of others far too keenly. However, something that God has taught me over time is that love does not always mean acquiescing to others. Love does not always mean being the first to cave in a situation. Love does not always mean being a peacemaker.

Let's not forget Christ's words: "Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword."

Christ came to teach us not only how to resist evil, but how to conquer it. When I first became a believer, I was very worried about what others thought of me. I was worried about offending people, because in my young mind, offending people was the same as hurting people, and hurting people was against God. But now as I grow older, I can see that sometimes you need to offend people. Sometimes, in order to get people to listen, you have to step on a few toes... or kick a few shins... or full-body tackle someone to the ground.

This is where love comes in. Love is not only meant to be an open door into your heart... it is also meant to be the armor that protects you. Let God's love be your armor. When you strike out to do God's work, don't let the rejection of other's hurt you or cause you any doubt. In fact, let the rejection of others bring you joy, because their rejection is a sure sign that you are being heard. The truth of your faith needs to be heard, especially by those who don't want to hear it.

The fear of hurting others can often stop us from doing God's work, when sometimes what someone really needs is a smack upside the head. It is good to avoid being needlessly callous and belligerent... but if you're feeling like the odd-man out, like the crowd has turned against you, like you have an endless amount of adversity with your peers, stand tall and speak louder. If there are people around you who are being needlessly mean and judgmental, who are straying down the wrong path, who are making selfish mistakes in their lives and disregarding your shining example of truth and faith, don't be afraid to shake them up a little. Bringing people back to the right path is not hurting them. Also, denying things to people and breaking promises is a-okay as long as you are doing it to protect them. If you have to make someone shed a few tears in order to straighten out their lives, then do it. More often than not, people will leave fuming, then come back later with an apologetic insight.

Don't strike out at people because you are personally insulted... strike out at people who you see hurting themselves and others. Be a strong voice and a strong role-model. Don't take sh*t from people who claim to care about you but their actions speak differently. God doesn't want you to abuse yourself. God wants your faith to be as straight and true as a sword, so we can pierce through evil and open the hearts of our fellow man.

How open is your heart?

How strong is your armor?

Now strike out boldly, and don't be afraid of adversity -- speak loudly and with truth, and see what God's Word can do.

To a friend in need...

2011-04-06T19:44:00.000-07:00

You are as much My child as Christ. He, too, had to suffer. It is not from Me, but from the silenced and shrouded hearts of Man that evil arises. You are My only resistance, and My gratitude is endless. I will repay your work in endless ways -- but never in ways that will take you from your work.

You may try to be strong... but even at your strongest, you are infinitely fragile to Me. I did not make you to be powerful, but to be weak. It is your nature. Do not despise it. Your strength and only strength lies in surrender.

Because you let me, I will always protect you.

The Send - "Need"

2011-04-02T14:20:00.000-07:00

Don't mind the corny intro....

This song amazes me. Taken in a spiritual context, it completely sums up a believer's relationship with God.

"Take my heart and lose myself,
I'll lose it all for you....

Oh, I could never know who I really am
without you...."

2011-04-02T11:43:00.000-07:00

Let's just shout it out... God is the love of my life! I have no other name for my faith but faith, and despite all of the books I read, the Churches I attend of the philosophies I study, my faith will always remain faith, and my love of God will always stem from pure, sublime experience. The Bible is a wonderful book... but even if the Bible had never existed, here I would be, and my faith would be the same, and my love for you would be the same, and my partnership with God would remain the same. My faith is not built on a book or a congregation; it is built on life. God is my life. When in loneliness or doubt, it is to His undefinable presence that I turn, and it has always been that way, before I even understood what religion was. Before I even understood the legacy of saints, bodhisattvas, prophets, and miracle workers who have walked the earth, I prayed in the silence of my childhood to give God's unconditional love to the world.

There need to be more voices in the world that show a powerful alliance to love.

There need to be more strong hands to do the lifting.

There need to be more people willing to allow others to be who they are, to breathe a sigh of relief, to show them that God made them this way because nothing is a mistake, and what keeps us from God are not His labels or His laws, but rather, man's labels and man's laws. We are the cause of suffering. We are evil transitioning into love. We are unconscious rocks, and when we awaken to God's presence in the world, only then may we call ourselves Human. Only then do we become the divine whole.

And our spiritual growth, our journey into the divine, never, ever ends.

"The feeling remains that God is on the journey too." -St. Teresa of Avila

2011-04-01T16:25:00.000-07:00

I believe in a God who wants us to be happy with ourselves. A God that never abandons us, no matter how many times we abandon Him. I believe in a God who, even more than speaking to us, wants to be with us.

I believe that sometimes that means we need to change parts of ourselves to become better; we need to let old pieces go, and allow new pieces to grow in their place. I think that drugs, alcohol abuse, and self-destructive behavior gets in the way of that. I believe that faith allows us to grow past our vices and heal. I think that believing in a destination allows us to have a destination. I also don't think there is any weakness is being optimistic, idealistic, or kind. Faith is not about what reality is. It's about what our internal reality is.

I believe that no answers are simple, and yet spiritual Truth is so simple as to be ineffable. I think that we get hung-up looking for answers that we want to understand. The reason why we can't understand the events of our lives is because we do not know the many outcomes of the future. We do not know when we will die; when we will contract a terminal illness; what another road may have led to. But we can trust God to know. We can trust God to lead us to a safe haven. Just because there are periods of suspension does not mean we will never be able to put our feet firmly on the ground. Sometimes we are suspended for years, with no illusion of certainty or safety, and we wonder -- why has God not saved me yet? Why have I not been brought to solid ground? I think in these moments, there is a lesson in having to wait. We become strong. And then, we become weak. We rebel and submit, rebel and submit. Until finally, we lose the will to fight, and we simply accept what is. Faith is not a destination. It is a vessel in which to travel; a mode of transportation; a way of thinking.

SpiritWorks Center for Spiritual Living

2011-02-27T15:03:00.000-08:00

Went today to a Church called SpiritWorks: Center for Spiritual Living. It is a Church dedicated to New Age ideals... or, as their Reverend was quick to correct me, "New Thought."

I felt that the energy of the congregation was warm and welcoming. There was certainly a lot of happiness being passed around. The people were good and the Reverend spoke with a good deal of passion. I can see that this is a Church family of people looking for a chance to connect with God in a more "spiritually logical" way....

However, there is something about the New Age movement that strikes me as a tree without roots. A structure on a faulty foundation. The Reverend quoted from many sources, including one quote from the Bible taken completely out of context, and several other quotes from "spiritual" books written by "practitioners," namely Science of Mind by Ernest Holmes. I cornered the Reverend after his service and asked what exact philosophy his Church is drawing from. He seemed confused by the question. I stated that there appears to be a large mix of Buddhist philosophy and Judeo-Christian terminology (such as Spirit, Soul, and God.) At this point, he said that he draws most of his sermons from the book by Ernest Holmes.

My question is really this -- if you are teaching a congregation about spiritual Enlightenment, are you Enlightened yourself? And if you are not Enlightened yourself, then are you teaching from the words of someone who is? Anyone who has read a religious text can rephrase it, teach it, and call themselves Enlightened or "Awakened to the Spirit" or whatever correlating term there is. That does not mean they really are. God and unity is more than a concept -- it is an experience, and to call people "spiritual masters" simply for understanding an idea is extremely misleading. The blind cannot lead the blind. To practice a true spiritual path that will lead to any sort of real, permanent awakening, one needs a teacher who has reached that level of Enlightenment. The inability of the Science of Mind organizations to unify themselves into a singular structure is already a sign that their leadership is divided, meaning, not unified... meaning, ultimately, that nothing is unified in their hearts... and as we all should know, Enlightenment is the internal experience of unity, of the interconnectedness of all things.

I understand that certain people are drawn to the New Age movement because it appears on the surface to "make more sense" than older religions. A lot of people are tired of feeling "guilty" or fearing "God's punishment" so are seeking another way to connect to God. But really, if you are going to attempt to spiritually awaken yourself, you should follow the path of someone who has actually reached Enlightenment... like, say, the Buddha, or arguably Christ. All that I heard in today's sermon was a bunch of New Age terms such as "god self" and "synergy" pasted over what was really a dim shadow of Eastern philosophy, misinterpreted and misrepresented to a congregation of innocent people in search of spiritual truth.

There is no spiritual truth to be found in the New Age. Not until we have a new prophet, a new Buddha, a new Teacher who has achieved a true union with God, a true realization of the higher Self. Until then, there will be no Enlightenment from the New Age... only people squinting to see auras and attempting to feel their "chakra energy." Do some research before you decide to throw your heart into something. Don't be fooled by pseudo-logical terms and explanations. God ultimately defies logic... and the path to Enlightenment has nothing to do with definitions and mind tricks and everything to do with acts of compassion. For every hour you give in Church, give two hours to the homeless, two hours to the sick, two hours to those who are abandoned and broken... this is the path to Enlightenment.

Confessions I

2011-02-19T11:05:00.000-08:00

And when I have had my fill....

When I am exhausted and drained at the end of the day, and I reach home, and everything seems empty... because my days are full of rush and responsibility, fragile conversation and my mind distracted in prayer, the heart burdened by a thousand worries, unknowns, nameless fear and illusory danger.... I am not immune to worry, to uncertainty, to the fear of being abandoned....

And at the end of the day, when the panic is over and I come back to this house that is not yet my house, and not my father's house, and no one's home but that of my old self, that other life which has left me....

When I come home, and I am somewhere in between, walking interstitial halls....

I, too, touch my forehead to the floor and beg for release, beg for God to take me away, to save me, to stop this horrible lingering depression, the ache in my chest that is the absence of you, the hole left where your love filled me, drained as your life has been drained, taken to some Heavenly field far from my reach.... Even in dreams, you are not the same....

Even I cry out, even I cling tightly to the walls, knowing that He is the wall, and He is the floor, and He is each groan of my heart begging for mercy, for relief, for resolution to what is an endless tunnel, a darkness undefinable, where not even hope is a lantern for there is nothing to hope for, only Our plan, Our tasks that I pray will be enough, enough to make a life worth living, enough to make my suffering an offering, a sacrifice, my self to a greater Self, a greater Good, a higher House in Your Name....

I break apart in these halls... over and over again, I die here and am reborn... here, in my Father's house, where He is always listening, where He is always building, always healing, always promising and always whispering of love.... This home that is not yet my home, and yet has always been Home, is the place where I seek His shelter and where I pretend, in the dim light of a midnight room, that He sleeps next to me, His Heart pressed in mine, and where death resides He breathes life, He breathes tomorrow, tomorrow, always tomorrow, again tomorrow we shall die together, and I am Still Here....

In response to my "Religion in Literature" class...

2011-02-19T10:23:00.000-08:00

How do you think this book, The World is Made of Stories by David R. Loy, helps you fathom the relationship between "religion" and "literature" and between the stories we hear and the ones we live?

When reading The World is Made of Stories, I couldn't help but think that all literature is written on moral premise, and therefore, religious premise. We are inherently religious creatures, as moral and ethical ideology spills into almost every facet of our existence (and every facet of our existence, according to this book, is a story.) The stories we live by are moral stories, ethical stories, questions of "Why do bad things happen to good people?" and "Why am I suffering? Do I deserve to? What is the meaning of my life?" In this sense, the stories of others help to shape our own story; the stories we are told growing up are what create the stories of our lives, our relationships, what we value and what we expect to achieve. Likewise, the stories we read in books as adults or as children can also change our experience of reality, the "story of our life."

It would appear that we are all spiritual beings searching for a spiritual realm of truth; an understanding within ourselves, a liberation from the stories that tie us to our roles and to the identities of others. Literature reflects this, as most literature is an exploration of the human experience, questioning the purpose of our lives, the way we effect others and history, and the collective truths that transcend history. Literature draws attention to the less apparent stories that dictate our lives, allowing us to view these stories at a certain distance so we can analyze them. However, the stories that we live by every day are invisible to us, a clear lens that we see through without realizing its own color or texture. Much of literature reflects history, and history itself is a story. Rewrite the story, rewrite history, rewrite literature, rewrite the lens, rewrite the self....

But what of the self outside the story? If our experience of the world is our own narrative, and we can change those narratives by changing our ideology and values, then what remains cohesive and constant? This is where questions of nothingness and Nirvana enter the picture (nothingness and Nirvana being, of course, another story.) As The World is Made of Stories says, "For identity to change, there must be something other than that narrative, something that is not bound by it."

After reading the text, I agree with the premise that we are coauthors of our lives, with the ability to direct our own stories, at least to a certain extent. However, I believe this only happens after Nirvana, after an essential realization of the permanent self. Nirvana is an inherent "knowing" of reality and an interconnectedness with the true Author, the Self that is in all things, and the transient emptiness of all things in relation to that Self. Perhaps Nirvana is our own innate ability to create of ourselves the perfect story, one that we can predict, which we feel is already written because we are instinctively awakened to the causality in all things. One doesn't need to understand the rings in a pond when one has become the rings in the pond.

I always feel that there is too much emphasis on emptiness and nothingness in many discussions on Nirvana... it is not that Nirvana is "empty" or "nothing," but rather, that all other things become "empty" and "nothing" in relation to it. "It is not understood by those who understand It. It is understood by those who understand It not." (Upanishads) This is the difference between concept and experience. You can describe bondage, but one does not consciously experience one's own bondage when one has only ever been bound. In the same way, one can conceptualize liberation until one is liberated, when it becomes a state of being, and then all description and explanation becomes meaningless. You can only know freedom; you can only live freedom; you cannot draw it or set rules to it or describe it to others.

As Nirvana is an ineffable experience, can that experience be "Storied"? Not the results of the experience, or the path leading to it, but the experience in and of itself, one that is self contained, yet transcends all causal reality. Is Nirvana therefore the Self that is beyond narrative? Is Nirvana the Self that began all narrative? Or is Nirvana the ability to see all life as narrative, and to detach from it, observing all things with an impartial eye? These questions are largely unanswerable, but I would like to write into my own life's narrative that yes, Nirvana is the Author beyond the story, which writes the story according to the events prescribed in our hearts, which, given an honest understanding of our Selves, allow us to know the reason for our lives, our own significance, and our own fragile transience. In this sense, literature and Nirvana serve the same purpose: to allow us the impartiality to examine our own narratives and perhaps coauthor new ones.

2011-02-16T16:00:00.000-08:00

music

My strength and my armor, my sword, my steel, my righteous storm; my soldier, conqueror, healer, mover, leader; my plan, my mountain, my highest peak and weakest bone, my water and bread, my breath, secrets and solitude, hidden groves, shady trees and cool depths; the water than runs, that climbs, that laughs through fields of cattails and fawns; the air that sinks, the clouds that lift, the fire that rises in the East, which sleeps in the West, which moves and dreams and speaks as dust -- What is your temper? Your tremors, your precious grains, pebbles, inescapable weather, undeniable currents, unrivaled need and the heart always aflame....

Don't you ever let go....

2011-02-15T10:00:00.000-08:00

We are so small, and we think we are so significant! Love God. Strive to be simple. Enjoy being a part of it.

2011-02-11T10:38:00.000-08:00

Far be it from me to take your truth from you....

I would consider myself a terrible failure if these writings made even one person doubt their faith. Rather, I would hope that these pages might affirm your truth, no matter where it stems from. I would hope that instead of seeing obstacles, you might find a plethora of light buried in these words, a wide spectrum of love. I would ask that you do not look at the differences between us. Differences are what God made, because God loves to make many countless things. Instead, I would ask you to find what is common; what is permanent between both of us, both of our beliefs, both of our hearts.

If we wanted to unite the world, we could do so right now. Unity has nothing to do with a singular ideology. Unity is in consciousness, in mutual understanding, in reciprocity and respect. If we wanted unity in the world, which some of us very badly do, then the mighty must consent to come down to the weak; the prosperous must bow their heads to the less fortunate; the healers must go out and heal the suffering. Likewise, the weak must not despise the brave; the less fortunate must accept the help of the prosperous; those who are suffering must not blame the healers. We must consent to need each other. We must live beyond ourselves.

It has only ever been the minority who has sacrificed for the greater good. Imagine if it was the majority who moved with a great rush towards love, towards magnanimous action, towards unrivaled generosity. Imagine a world consumed by a love-madness, where all people have a hand to hold, a light to turn on and off, warmth, satisfaction, security. These are things we can give.

I do not know if I will ever be able to give to the world what my heart desires. I do not know if it is by my own limitations, or by God's plan, that I am trapped in my station in life. Perhaps that is my final sacrifice... to let it go, to overcome it. I am far from perfect, I am far from being what God calls me to be....

But I would promise you that a world united is already a reality in my heart: all people, all creeds, all truth. I love all stories of faith, all sacrifice, all meditations and all philosophies, even those that refute God. What is true is true. Ideas are not true. Life is true. Here is true. Now is true.

So when you read these letters... these thoughts, these pages, these murmurs of love... I only ask you to see what is true. I only ask you to see it within me, and to see it within yourself. It is you, dear reader, who is the greatest truth in me, because in you I see a united world; in you I see our greater Self, the most beautiful seed of creation, our loving God and the purpose of my life. I am alive that I might die for you. We are all on a glorious walk into death, into love, into new life... and I would love for you to walk with me....

God's Secrets

2011-02-11T09:40:00.000-08:00

People guard secrets. People covet what they have, what they've "earned," what they think they own, what they think is owed to them. People resist sharing in the smallest, most petty ways.

But God doesn't resist. God doesn't want to hide. It is we who hide from God. We are the ones who refuse to listen, who refuse to share our lives with God, our troubles, our worries, or even more importantly, the gifts and abundance God has given us. We have been called on to share, to lift each other up; if you haven't noticed, we were designed this way. No one person can do all things; we have weaknesses, limitations, gaps in our knowledge and understanding. Children need parents. Man needs woman. Mankind, in turn, needs God.

When seeking God's secrets, there is no great need to travel. If you cannot find God in your bedroom, then you will not find Him in Africa, in Europe, over seas or under the earth, or even on the moon. If you cannot see God in yourself, you will not see Him in the world. Do not be consumed by illusions that we create for ourselves, "pretending" to see God in things, forcing ourselves to "know" unity, grabbing onto the concept and beating it into ourselves until we think it is permanent. No idea is permanent. God's secrets are revealed by a union with the Spirit, and this can only be found through prayer, through asking, through a sudden leap of revelation and an awakening of the heart.

2011-02-10T09:18:00.000-08:00

Put the tools in my hand, and I will do the work.

God says, First do the work... then I will craft your tools, make your keys, and even give you a door to open.

Romantic Love

2011-02-10T08:05:00.000-08:00

Oh believe me, I would grab onto worldly love if I could get my hands on it....

If I could find myself a partner, a mate, a man I could love that somehow echoed the love of the Father, then maybe I wouldn't strive so hard after my own faith. But honestly, when I think of God's purpose for my life and what kind of partner would fit into that picture, I figure it is only someone that God can bring me.

Love is a wonderful distraction. As women, I think we tend to pour all of ourselves into it; culturally, it's what we've been conditioned to do our entire lives. But a large part of these past few years of growth has been the realization of that cultural myth; maybe getting married and having tons of kids isn't what God has planned. Maybe it has nothing to do with it. Maybe there is a reason why so many people like Mother Teresa served God without having a partner in their lives. Am I ready to sacrifice a future family to be a part of God's family?

When thinking these things, I stop to check myself. I don't know anything about the future, and it's senseless to entertain dark thoughts. If I am sacrificing anything for God, it is my whole self, and God will take me exactly to what my heart desires... and what my true heart desires is not worldly love. That is what my "heart of the moment" desires. What my true heart desires... well... to save the world, of course....

God knows everything about our futures. Perhaps I won't live for another three years. Perhaps I will never live to see the effects of my life in the lives of others, or the truth of my faith in the faith of others... God will show me how to wisely use the life I have. I only need to follow.

Following has always been easy.

Please, God. Please take me there.

2011-02-04T10:22:00.001-08:00

I love suffering, because it brings me God.

The Watcher

2011-01-31T10:21:00.001-08:00

Between every grain of sand
the Watcher sits,
counting many things
and carefully dividing them into
countless pieces,
creating of itself
a thing unnamed, a division
of one into many.
It divides
that it may create, and as its creation
makes of itself a precious thing,
a thing so valued
that one day, it shall end.

The Watcher made an ocean
to teach us of a wave.
It made many collections,
circles, spirals, stars,
things of no number
to remind us that we all are countless,
and we all are counted,
and we all
are the counters
of things.

Mistakes

2011-01-31T10:18:00.000-08:00

Mistakes. We all make them. In fact, mistakes probably make up the majority of our lives....

but try not to make the same mistake twice...

try to avoid negative patterns of behavior...

Every mistake is an opportunity for growth. However, to grow, you have to overcome your flaws and faults.

Laziness is a cause for mistakes. Pride, envy, gluttony, lust, wrath... all of these are causes of mistakes.

A mistake, in a sense, has less to do with external forces and more to do with our internal qualities. Fix the inside to fix the outside. Try to know yourself. Every mistake you make is a marker of your spiritual path, your progress, and those obstacles that still hinder you.

Remember, we all make mistakes... but with God, all mistakes are turned to blessings. God knows we are flawed. God is that which takes what is random and creates the miraculous. Don't worry too much about previous mistakes... but be sure to put them in God's hands, and all will be made perfect again.

There is no limit to forgiveness. You can ask for it... but you already have it by default. God doesn't blame you for that which is beyond yourself.

In a sense, it should be comforting... and horrifying... to know that the only person you're letting down is your own self.

From the Epic of Gilgamesh

2011-01-28T16:07:00.000-08:00

"No one can see death,
no one can see the face of death,
no one can hear the voice of death,
yet there is savage death that snaps off mankind.
For how long do we build a household?
For how long do we seal a document!
For how long do brothers share the inheritance?
For how long is there to be jealousy in the land?"

The Epic of Gilgamesh is, perhaps, the oldest written story on Earth. It comes to us from Ancient Sumeria, and was originally written on 12 clay tablets in cunieform script. It is about the adventures of the historical King of Uruk (somewhere between 2750 and 2500 BCE).

Thousands of years... the same questions... the same human experience.

Who are we to assume we know anything?

These questions have been asked before. They have been answered before. But no amount of answers will stop the fate of mankind. We are born to die. Nothing can stop it. How do we live in the face of death, knowing it is with us from the moment we begin to breathe?

How do we transcend from a life in denial to a life that embraces death?

From 'The Laws of Thinking' by Bishop Jordan

2011-01-22T13:03:00.000-08:00

"You must produce your cause... but make sure it's in line with God's cause. If it's a contrary cause, you will get contrary results. John 10:30 says, 'I and the Father are one.' You must be in alignment of purpose with God if your actions are to bring forth the manifestations He desires. That's critically important. That's why it is vital to suppress your intellect and your ego even as you are proclaiming yourself to be 'I AM.' Even as you partake of the divinity that God has granted you, you must not try to impose your own will on what God desires of you. You must be open to hearing God and to producing and creating what He has in mind for you to create.

When you can set aside the ego (not an easy thing for anyone to do) and keep your mind still and at peace, you open yourself to being a conduit of ideas that come to you directly from God. As long as there is that agreement of mind and purpose, you experience the constant, eternal inflow of ideas and inspiration from God."

From The Laws of Thinking by Bishop E. Bernard Jordan.

I am sick and tired of the New Age movement shoving it down our throats that we are God. Yes, We are parts of God. But people don't seem to know what that means. It doesn't mean that you're going to get rich or that you can imagine a perfect life and then just start living it. Actually embracing God means embracing personal responsibility for the condition of humanity, on both a small and large scale. It means that you're the person at the office who carries the weight of everyone's bad day. You're the one who must stand strong when all others crumble and turn away. It means forgetting yourself and living in servitude... everything about your nature must bring peace and happiness to others. It must be your central focus and only goal in life.

Truly embracing God requires worlds of sacrifice. Just ask Jesus. He forsook everything... even his own life. Are you ready to be tortured on a cross for God? If not, then stop calling yourself God, it's an insult to all of those who have sacrificed their lives to change the world.

Know that we're all a part of God... that what resides in God also resides in us... but don't let this be a cause for pride. If we really knew what it meant to be a part of God, we would all feel very, very ashamed at how badly we have failed ourselves.

2011-01-21T14:06:00.000-08:00

It is so easy to ask and receive...

and yet, hardly anyone asks...

and even less ask with their heart...

and so even fewer receive....

I don't know why it's so hard for people to be genuine. I don't know why it's so hard for people to just believe in something and love it. I don't know why faith is such a challenge for the mind. It is a beautiful way to live.

Don't approach God as a force or an idea. Approach Him as a person, as an entity, because He is one. No religion presents God as an intangible idea. Even Eastern religions describe it as the Higher Self. It is a Self. A being. A person inside of you. Communicate as you would with a friend.

Falling to the Wayside

2011-01-20T13:28:00.000-08:00

How easily they fall to the wayside....
How easily they are captured by brilliant, glinting lights....

I have reached a point where the dust is clearing and things are beginning to settle. There are a few more upheavals on the way... the chance that we might not be able to keep our house, the possibility of having to sell, foreclose, move.... It is a terrifying thought. I have no family to help me, no place really to go. Perhaps God will spare me, or perhaps it is necessary for our plans. I don't know, but I will follow.

What I am noticing is the faith of others around me. When I lost my only parent, my friends rallied together and tried to shoulder the load right along with me. They grew in their faith, became passionate about spiritual insights, unknown possibilities, transformation....

And now, a little more than a year after the fact, they are slowly settling back to who they used to be. Dating, parties, work, and school... drama and conflict.... They tried their best. They did more than average and without needing to be asked. And perhaps, in many small, wondrous ways, they have changed....

But they grow tired of the chase, of the endless striving for God. It is a heavy task. Perhaps I do not find it so heavy because I am passionately in love with my Father... but for those who are not so irrationally in love, for those who do not starve for grace, what is there in religion that can outweigh the temptations of a worldly life? Only God can take us to a place and time when we realize our own mortality and emptiness. Only then will I see them pursue the divine with such a hunger....

I continue through this transformation that life has demanded of me. I continue to strive for God, and for God's plans. I am beginning to think that they don't want to hear it anymore. They don't understand my relationship with the Father or why it drives my every waking thought. It's okay. They don't need to understand. What I do, I do for God, and no one else.

But I pray that some day they will look at my life and see all of the things God has done... all of the amazing, miraculous ways God has helped me... and they will seek a path for themselves....

2011-01-19T21:56:00.000-08:00

¹² Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. ¹³ Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ¹⁴ And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

My Father's Gifts

2011-01-18T16:48:00.000-08:00

My Father's gifts are priceless and irreplaceable.

Life. A lifetime and an instant... I don't know how to describe it... only that somehow, all of this is inside of me... somehow, the external reflects the internal; you are alive in my heart and so you are alive in my life, in my dreams, in my world. Life is the gift. Life is God. It is too much to say, too much to truly understand... and yet I know all things are by your will, that my life is merely a moment, less than a second, and yet prolonged before my eyes that we might know each other.....

Our Eyes. And seeing you... seeing the seed of you, the creation of you, the death of you and the insurmountable presence of you... It is not truly sight, no more than one can see music, and yet you are there as surely as an orchestra of sound, as clear as the colors of the world, and I watch you grow....

The Heart. It broke once, a long time ago, when there was nothing to catch it and nowhere left to fall. My heart was lost but you gave it back to me, a new one, a better one, a bigger one, greater than the ocean. Inside the heart is stored the seed of creation, all of your secrets, all of your wordless murmurs and nameless love. Where does it spring from? Is your heart inside of mine? Was it always, or did I have to welcome it in? I ask for reasons, explanations, justification... but it does not change that you are inexplicably, wonderfully, permanently alive within me....

Our Hands. With them, I can move the world. With them, I write words to glorify your Name, putting sounds to the soundless, placing syllables where only the heart exists. Hands are small and limited. They are soft and reduced by age, chipped nails, dry skin. But through them you have showed me how to nurture and grow, how to give affection, how to build and how to take apart. My hands are your hands, just as my work is your work, just as my written words are a lowly imitation of your voice....

The Voice. Or rather, the absence of voice, and the gift of total silence... the gift to sit, and sit, and sit in the center of your peace....

The Mind. It is not your knowledge that I value, which can only be known through the heart... it is the mind you gave to interpret it, the creativity and imagination to apply it, and the ability to learn swiftly and study well. The blessing of a logical mind is the ability to ignore extraneous information... to cut out what hides the truth, to not get bogged down by meaningless details. You have taught me the value of information and the trappings of minutia. This world is a logical fallacy. All truth resides only in you, only in the irrational acceptance of what is, only in relinquishing my smaller self....

And your greatest gift to me, as always, is you.... Your presence beside me, your wisdom and your endless mercy. God, if I could not have you, I would not have myself... if you were taken away from me, I would take my own life. This is the madness of faith, the passion of your nameless, consuming love. Perhaps I am your least obedient child... perhaps I am your lowliest servant, your sometimes-saint and your mute prophet... but dear God, perhaps in my weaknesses you may find a seed of strength, you may find the tools to do your will. I am nothing next to you, with nothing to offer except a devoted heart... and through my heart, dear Lord, I ask that you take all of me, that you may use my fragile talents toward your higher tasks, that you might forgive my failures, as I am in constant failure to your light....

Dear Lord, I did not come to you to be perfect, nor did I come to you with the aspiration to do great things. I came to you on bloodied knees as a child lost in the night. I came to you with no voice, with no words, no possessions but a shattered heart. Dearest Father, I came to you simply to know you, and all that you grant me is too much for my poor self, too much for my empty pockets, which are filled by your love. I throw all else to the wind, all else to the emptiness of the world.... I came before you not to be perfect, oh Lord, but to be broken, to be destroyed, and to be made into whatever you would have me be. I am, in whichever way I can be, your servant... your wayward child, your stubborn infant, your flawed reflection that finds beauty only in the sound of your voice.... Dear Lord, you have stricken me with a thirst unquenchable, with a cup made hollow, a terrible absence only made full by your love....

Speaking with Atheists....

2011-01-14T09:57:00.000-08:00

I was terribly disheartened yesterday when I discovered that a close friend of mine is slowly becoming an atheist.

I didn't know what to say when he told me. He was my first serious boyfriend; the relationship lasted 3 years. When I first fell in love with him, it was because I thought his faith was as strong as mine; he claimed to have had the same experience as I did when I had first found God. He went on to say, "I think of God as an idea... I think the universe is progressing toward what some day might be God, like an ultimate goal."

I asked him if he believed in a personal God. He said no....

This is a radical 180 based on the man I once knew. I understand, at least in part, why he is becoming an atheist. First, he is a mechanical engineer and very smart, and I know that intelligent, scientific, logical people have more difficulty seeing God. They focus so much on the mind that they forget the heart, which is ultimately where God resides.

But he is also from a Muslim country, Kuwait. When I met him, he was still submerged in the culture of the Middle East, where everyone praises Allah or else they are at risk of being targeted by religious radicals. Everyone prays 5 times a day, studies the Koran from front to back through school, and can't denounce their faith unless they want to alienate their family. I can understand how, after coming to America, he wants to be exactly the opposite of the oppressive religious atmosphere of his home country.

And yet, the way he talked to me was as though he had forgotten that I was once very atheist myself... far more atheist than I hope he ever becomes. I wanted to tell him that I have walked the opposite road and that the only thing that awaited him were empty facts, measurements, theorems and endless questing. Atheism offers no real answers; only answers that lead to more questions. Atheism, eventually, can lead a brilliant mind to bitterness, dissatisfaction, and misery.

It stabbed my heart. To see God losing one of His brightest children... not to be lost forever, because I don't think anything is lost forever, but to be blocked from the greatness and profound understanding that may have once fulfilled his life. I wanted to pluck out my eyes and put them in his head so he could see God the way I see Him, but I knew that there was no way for me to give him that connection. Not if he didn't want it.

It is another reminder, just like my father and my brother, that you cannot change the mind of an atheist. Logic is a trap; it is a prison. Atheists have their answers and they cling to them tightly because to embrace God is a terrifying and alienating idea. Atheists cling to logic because logic appears to have evidence. However, once one starts to believe in God, God also starts to show evidence. (How can you begin to see God if you won't even look at Him?)

You can't change atheists by speaking to them. They've already made up their minds, and even worse, they think you're dumb because you're a believer, and they're not going to listen to you. The only way to open their hearts is to pray for them, and to show them that you are not a hypocrite. That there are spiritual and religious people out there that are logical, that are open and accepting, that do not judge and are simply here to help humanity. When atheists see that, they want to become that. What soul doesn't want to be a hero, given the chance? Atheism is rising because religion is failing... but the terrifying thing is that we must not lose our knowledge of God. We cannot let the old ways be erased.

My friend is changing, as am I. Perhaps our paths are different. The faith he once had was not true faith, because it is diminishing under pressure; true faith grows when it is challenged. His faith was simply something that society had forced upon him as a child. Perhaps this is the beginning of his true walk with God, and perhaps he will not find God again until he is much older. I don't love him any less for being an atheist, just as I don't love my brother or father any less... but I do feel the loss of kinship between us.

I will continue to pray for him... that he finds the answers he seeks, and that God never stops working in his life.

Leaping

2011-01-11T10:02:00.000-08:00

Think about it....

God doesn't want your words... God doesn't want your promises, your vows, your tears or your pleading, your righteous anger or your defense of faith. God doesn't want your arguments, your rationalizations, your understanding or your various gifts. God doesn't want blood, candles, food, praise, hymns, money, or anything else.

God asks for your heart... your passionate, irrational, uncompromising love....

God asks for all of you....

Every. Last. Drop.

And then, suddenly, you're free.

Our heart is our greatest possession... it is our greatest treasure, our only instrument for communication and communion with God. It is the greatest sacrifice, the most exhilarating leap, to break and give our hearts away, to throw them into the unknown with no tangible evidence that anything is there.

And then God catches your heart and makes it whole, places His Spirit inside of you, rebuilds you, and never lets you go.

God wants you to leap.

Don't look. Don't think.

Leap.

_________________________

I am a passionate fan of leaping. If I could define my faith, I would call it the never ending fall... I revel in throwing myself off of mountains, in closing my eyes and hurling through darkness that God might catch me. Be fearless in your faith. Be courageous. Strike out boldly, make choices that you can't take back, treat life with a careless passion, with respect and goodness, and know God's love in all things....

Don't rely on yourself. Trust in His destination, wherever is might be....

Trust in God and the wings He gave you, and you will fly.

From Louis de Wohl's "The Restless Flame"

2011-01-08T10:49:00.000-08:00

From Louis de Wohl's The Restless Flame: A Novel about Saint Augustine:

"Did you observe," asked Augustine, "that this man did not care at all whether we admired him or not? Nor did he want any money from us, although he was dressed in rags and we must have appeared to him like imperial princes in comparison. This man was happy! Are we?"

Nebridius frowned a little. "surely it matters what a man is happy about," he said. "This beggar found joy in his drunkenness. You are seeking it in...."

"Glory," put in Augustine "But what glory? Is it in any way a truer glory than the one [this drunk beggar] has found, hiccuping, belching, and dancing? Am I not as drunk as he is, belching idiotic praise [when giving speeches] for a crowned nobody? And the glory I seek may turn my head as much as the wine has turned his. But he at least is happy - he is walking on clouds - I only pretend I am."

"Tomorrow he will wake up with a heavy head," said Alypius.

"And so do I, every morning - without having been happy at all. My desires spur me on, and I drag the load of my unhappiness and make it worse by dragging it. And where does it lead, all that striving? We hope it will lead to some sort of happiness without care; the beggar has achieved the same goal before me - and I - you and I - may never reach it at all. For the very thing that he has attained by a few pieces of copper, begged I darsay from passersby, I am plotting wearily day after day."

"Would you change with him, then?" asked Nebridius.

"No, I wouldn't," said Augustine. "And that is just the absurdity of it. I ought to, by all the rules of logic. What is the good of saying to myself that I am more learned than he is, since my learning only goes to serve the applause of men as insincere as I am myself?"

2011-01-01T14:07:00.000-08:00

The U.S. Religious Knowledge Survey released by the Pew Forum on Religion & Public Life found how little such a religious nation knows basic Bible and religious history and how, surprisingly, the top scores on the test went to atheists, agnostics, Jews and Mormons.

I got a perfect score, but then again it's a pretty easy test. I don't think the link leads to the real test, but it's a small sample of the original one.

If we're going to believe in something and practice it, we should know all there is to know about it.

Happy New Year!

2010-12-31T19:49:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

I am honored to be sharing this life with you.

As the new year moves in, I resolve to expand in all of my capacities... I resolve to build my endurance, to shoulder what the Lord has given me and submit to higher will. I resolve to be a better listener, a better thinker, and a better believer. I resolve to pray more, love more, and give more.

May this next year be blessed with revelation, fulfillment, and peace! God bless you!

Searching for Peace

2010-12-30T12:42:00.000-08:00

When people long for an answer, what they really long for is peace.

There is no amount of logic that will bring peace to a searching heart. If you are seeking God, it is good to study what others have said... but the only true answer you will ever receive, the only thing that will stop your heart from questing, is communion with God. This is because God is not something that can be understood in the mind... it is not something that can be analyzed, broken down into endless pieces and rules, and then put into a safe category. God is that which exceeds all contradictions and explanations; in a sense, it is the ultimate paradox... and yet it is so very, very real. The reason why so many people have trouble seeing God is because we live so close to it, it's hard to pull back and see what's really in front of us... but just because we can't see it doesn't stop it from existing.

If you seek God, then pray. It is very simple. Pray through the heart, and you will be given God's peace... and eventually, you won't need to look anymore, because you'll see that God is right there inside of you.

God Will Place You

2010-12-26T13:09:00.000-08:00

Had an enlightening conversation with my aunt this holiday season....

She told me that whenever she is under stress, her first reaction is to "run away." When her mother died at 13 (similar to when my mother died), her response was to rebel and run away from home. Now that she is struggling with marital problems, she feels the urge to run away again, but she stays in her marriage because she wants to remain true to her faith and set an example for younger generations.

She said that she remembered when my mother died, that I came to her with a lot of soul searching. Every time I would come to her house, I either "believed in God" or I didn't. I would argue and discuss it with her until I returned home, sometimes over a period of three or more days. She said I was fighting an intense inner battle. This led all the way up to my revelation, and then all arguments of God stopped because I had found my faith.

She said that it appears that I am doing the same now with my father's death... yet instead of searching for God, I am searching for where I fit. She said that my conviction gave her chills, that it was clear I wasn't doubting God, but that I was looking for the place where God needed me. She told me "Don't worry about where you're going because God will place you where you fit...." In the meantime, it's good that I research all kinds of faith in order to understand where one is lacking and another is fulfilling. "Eventually," she said, "You'll find a peace in knowing that God has you exactly where He needs you."

When she said these things, I was surprised, because my aunt is in no way a perfect person and her judgment of other people and other faiths has often turned me off to Christianity. I was shocked that she actually encouraged me to search through other religions to find what felt right, and that this was a necessary part of growing in faith. She said that this way, I could lead others from all sorts of faith and help them to have a relationship with God. She also said that I needed to do this now while I am young, because if I ever was to be married or have a family, they would be looking to me for strength and conviction, and it isn't good for children to see a mother flip-flopping back and forth with her beliefs.

She also said not to think that I am doing this alone; she said that many people are watching me, my brother and friends and probably people I don't even realize, and that they are looking for God's truth in my life. It is not really about me... rather, it is up to me not to lead them astray....

Suddenly, my path to God and divinity took on a far more important role. No, this walk is not for me... it is for all those who witness it, and I have a responsibility not to lead them into false beliefs.

It made me wonder if God is making my life into an example of faith in order to wake them up....

"Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass ... Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him."
Psalm 37:4,7

"For the LORD gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding. He stores up sound wisdom for the upright; He is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice, and He preserves the way of His godly ones. Then you will discern righteousness and justice and equity and every good course."
Proverbs 2:6-9

Waiting, waiting, waiting....

2010-12-23T00:22:00.000-08:00

I guess everything is in God's hands... but sometimes I get so impatient! I can't help it, I'm so enthusiastic about God's love, and I want to share it so badly... but I know I'm not ready yet, I don't know enough about religion to believably back up what I want to say. It's funny how God's truth happens in a second, while logical knowledge takes years of arduous study to build. It's very hard for me to study religion because I see so many things that are hurtful and needlessly misinterpreted... the attitudes in religion that move against God are like needles in my heart, they make me want to cry out, frustrated and helpless... and yet how, with so many beautiful religions to choose from, everyone is still so blind... and the people who aren't blind are busy saving orphans in Africa....

Also, there are many people saying what I want to say already... I think the only difference is they don't have God's words burning up their mouths (because if they did, why has no one claimed the title of messenger?)...

Christ knew He had a task for God, but He still had to be anointed by the Spirit in the River Jordan... how long did He have to be patient, with God's call burning up His heart?

Which brings me to a question -- what is the difference between a scholar spreading a message, or a servant of God spreading a message... even if the messages are the same? I think it is the same difference between one who hears a recording of Beethoven, and then one who sits in the middle of the orchestra. A recording is beautiful... but sitting in an orchestra will bring you to your knees. Truth must be brought alive by Spirit.... In the end, I don't think people listen to words... I think they listen to Spirit.

Doesn't matter how many times I update this blog, what people need is my presence so they can feel and see God work through my character. I tutor children for a living, ages 7-12, and I imagine that teaching faith will be much the same... you can't tutor a child over the internet, you have to engage them on their own level in a personal setting. Of all the things recorded of Christ, why did they not record his teaching? Why couldn't they describe how he sat with the ignorant and blind and turned their hearts? That is what I am dying to know... Christ, how did you do it...

My father once said that if you can teach a child, you can teach anyone...

It feels so strange saying these things because there is no certainty that anything will come to pass... no certainty in myself, that is... yet I have great certainty in God, and this feeling hasn't passed in the 10 years that I've had it. It's been in me since before I even knew who Christ was... I can only trust and believe that God wouldn't plant a desire in my heart that He wouldn't fulfill....

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God." - Mark 10:27

Prayer: A Step Towards Enlightenment

2010-12-21T16:12:00.000-08:00

The goal of praying is to reach a state where you are constantly in prayer.

You'll never grow spiritually if you don't pray... in fact, most spiritual growth takes place through prayer. So what is prayer, why should we do it, and what is our ultimate goal?

1) When I pray, who am I speaking to?

You are speaking to God... but what is God? God is consciousness. The flaw in human logic is that we think of consciousness as being separate from everything around us. We think consciousness is something confined to the brain, nervous system, etc. However, this is not true. Consciousness is energy. Energy is self aware. We are made of energy, are we not? And aren't we self aware?

When you pray, you initiate direct communication between you and all things. And believe me, They are listening. When you pray, pray through your heart. This is where you open your connection to God.

2) Will my prayers be answered?

Yes. Always. But not always how we imagine. God (just like the Heart) knows the true value of all things.

It is not a matter of faith that your prayers will be answered. Anyone who prays will have their prayers answered. However, the greater faith you have, the more you will see your prayers manifest in reality. Also, we must have patience when waiting for our prayers to be answered, because timing is very important.

3) What is the goal of prayer?

When we pray, we encourage grace. What is grace? Grace is God... grace is becoming more aware of the presence of God both in ourselves and our lives. Prayer is the only thing that can open the eyes of the heart and allow one to truly see God as He is: both inside of ourselves, and interconnected with the world. I encourage everyone to pray at least once a day. Pray how you are comfortable; you may use recited prayers like those found in Catholicism or types of Buddhism, or you can pray simply through your heart. However, pray often, and have faith. This will bring you to God.

Try to reach a point where you are in a constant state of prayer. What does this mean? It means that you are in constant dialogue with God. Imagine that you only pray once a year... and once a year, your prayers come true. Now imagine if you pray once a week... and once a week, your prayers come true. And now imagine if you pray once a day... and once a day, your prayers come true.

But when you are in a constant state of prayer, your entire life becomes a miracle, and you will see God manifest in everything around you. This is Enlightenment.

2010-12-21T10:19:00.000-08:00

Those who do not understand I will need to leave behind. But that time is not now.

God says... don't say it, there will come a time and a place, but not yet.

Love Letters V

2010-12-19T14:35:00.000-08:00

You are my treasure. I have made you delicate and powerful, small and mighty; in you, I have placed the passion of my brightest stars and the words of my clearest rivers. I took dust and light, shaped you with sound and water, and loved you into being. And even though I allowed you to have a life of your own, you gave it back to me and put yourself in my hands.

I see your eyes turned to me. The world is a busy place, rushing back and forth, made of blues and grays. I watch them, but it is rare that one turns to watch me... and for that, you are full of color. For that, I have come to you, to provide for you and shelter you. Walk, and I shall walk with you.

You may doubt me, and I know why; because the road to your heart's desire is a long one, and there is much to fear. But you need not fear. I carry you in my hands. Your heart is my greatest treasure... and I guard it with my own. Above all things, I will guard your beautiful little heart.

2010-12-19T14:07:00.001-08:00

"For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

Matthew 6:21

Compassion

2010-12-15T19:51:00.000-08:00

I do believe that in the spiritual realm, compassion rules all things.

I think compassion is the very essence of God. When I see kindness, generosity, and love that spills over the boarders of convention, love that overflows from the heart and extends to all of those in need, that is where I see God. That is where God comes from inside of me. When the pain of another brings tears to my eyes, and the suffering of another compels me to act, and when the burden of another invites my own arms, this is how I know I am truly of God... because selflessness is something that expands beyond the natural realm. Selflessness is against our baser nature. And yet compassion lives inside of me. Compassion is what drives my life, and compassion is the tool that God gave me.

To judge is human. To forgive is Godly. Christ did not come to judge, but to save all souls. I think this speaks mountains of what God is.

I do not see God in those who would judge the wicked. I see God in those who would die for them.

2010-12-14T13:11:00.000-08:00

"We have had many harbingers and forerunners; but of a purely spiritual life, history has afforded no example. I mean, we have yet no man who has leaned entirely on his character, and eaten angels' food; who, trusting to his sentiments, found life made of miracles; who, working for universal aims, found himself fed, he knew not how; clothed, sheltered, and weaponed, he knew not how, and yet it was done by his own hands. ... Shall we say, then, that transcendentalism is the excess of Faith; the presentiment of a faith proper to man in his integrity, excessive only when his imperfect obedience hinders the satisfaction of his wish."

-Ralph Walder Emerson, Nature

I disagree. Is this not the faith that we all live by? Do we not all live entirely by our character, however limited? Do we not all find ourselves clothed, fed, and sheltered by our own hands, yet we know not how?

Let's take the time today to dwell on the miracle of our own lives, and how we must appear in the eyes of God. God does not require that we all live by an excess of faith, but He certainly looks after those who do, and there are many.

God's Wild Flower

2010-12-11T17:05:00.000-08:00

As much as I am able to know, I am what I am, and I am willing to wait for what God has planned.

Lately I have been withdrawing from life and many of the people around me. I am taking longer breaks in solitude. It is strange to feel God call to us. It is a voice... like music, which moves through the whole body... and suddenly, I cannot choose anything else, I must go where I am drawn.

"For a long time I wondered why God showed partiality, why all souls don't receive the same amount of graces.

Jesus consented to teach me this mystery. He placed before my eyes the book of nature; I understood that all the flowers that He created are beautiful. The brilliance of the rose and the whiteness of the lily don't take away the perfume of the lowly violet or the delightful simplicity of the daisy.... I understood that if all the little flowers wanted to be roses, nature would lose its springtime adornment, and the fields would no longer be sprinkled with little flowers....

So it is in the world of souls, which is Jesus' [God's] garden. He wanted to create great Saints who could be compared to lilies and roses. But He also created little ones, and these ought to be content to be daisies or violets destined to gladden God's eyes. Perfection consists in doing His will, in being what He wants us to be.

I understood that Our Lord's love is revealed as well in the simplest soul who doesn't resist His grace in anything. In fact, since the essence of love is to bring oneself low, if every soul were like the Saints and Prophets who have shed light on the Church, it seems that God wouldn't come low enough by forming only their great hearts. But He created the child who doesn't know anything and only cries weakly, He created poor ignorant persons who only have natural law as a guide -- and it is to their hearts that he consents to come down: Here are wildflowers whose simplicity delights Him....

Just as the sun shines at the same time on the tall cedars and on each little flower as if it were the only one on earth, in the same way Our Lord is concerned particularly for every soul as if there were none other like it. And just as in nature all the seasons are arranged in such a way as to cause the humblest daisy to open on the appointed day, in the same way all things correspond to the good of each soul."

St. Therese of Lisieux, 1873-1897

May I always be God's wildflower, in his deepest forest, blooming.

Knowing God

2010-12-11T09:46:00.000-08:00

I've cracked open a book called Feeling Like God by Chris Tiegreen. Lots of good stuff... it talks about the emotions of God as outlined in the Bible and tries to help the reader understand God on a more human level. This is supposed to help us build a stronger relationship with Him, which is a good deal, since we are God's children, after all. Everything we are is a dim, dim, dim shadow of Him....

But something stood out to me in the first chapter of the book that bugs me. It mentions "knowing" God as in studying Him through a book. Chris Tiegreen then goes on to say that it's not enough to know Him through the Bible, we must feel like God as well. Feeling like God is what helps us build a deeper relationship with Him. This shocked me because since coming into my own faith, I have always thought it was obvious that to know God is to feel God, and it has nothing to do with the Bible at all.

Let me ask a question: can you claim to know someone just by reading a few letters they sent you in the mail? If Angelina Jolie sent you a letter telling you about what she bought when she went shopping yesterday, does that mean you know her?

Can you know someone if you have never met them in person but talk to them on the phone every day? Perhaps a bit better.

Can you know someone if you've never been involved in a deeply romantic relationship with them? Especially a long marriage, including sex, children, and the whole nine yards? After a lifetime together, you can claim to know someone much, much better....

But knowing God, when you really know God, is much deeper than all of these things, because God first and foremost resides inside of you.

Knowing God is what real salvation/revelation is. In this book, Chris Tiegreen starts out by speaking of "knowing God" as though it has to do with humanly study and knowledge, but that's impossible. We can never truly comprehend God in our minds... and for God's sake, don't base your "knowing God" on "knowing the Bible." The Bible is nothing like God, not when it is taken as a whole.That's where the essential flaw lies in studying the Bible. Everything that comes before Jesus' teachings should really be thrown out, because all that stuff about "jealousy" and "rage" is simply not true.

When you really know God and you know God's presence in all things, you also realize that religion has very little to do with it. Imagine for a moment that your brother walks into the room. You know it's your brother; you can see him, hear him talk, maybe even smell him if he hasn't showered. Now imagine that you can know God in just the same way. You sit down in a room and you are silent, and suddenly you can feel a love, connection, and consciousness humming through everything. Knowing is an emotion, but it's more real than that. The faith of the saints and prophets is a feeling, it's an experience and a "knowing" that is absolutely incorruptible because it cannot be challenged. God walks into a room and you see Him. You can't know God much more than that.

You can know God on earth. God isn't sitting somewhere out there on some Heavenly throne. Even Christ said "The Kingdom of Heaven is inside of you." God is here and now. You know God when you can see God here and now.

Where there is life...

2010-12-08T19:22:00.000-08:00

Where there is life, there is God.

In Heaven, there is life in its purest form.

Those who know God know life in its purest form.

God, give me back to God. Give me back to the Spirit of Life. Give me back to that which I came, to that which made me, and remade, and shall make again. God, bring me back to You that we might continue our work. I am sorry for straying. I am sorry for thinking I am not what I am; for thinking I am less or more. I am sorry for that which is between us.

God says, You are everything to me.

And I, I am nothing, if alone.

It cannot be earned...

2010-12-08T19:20:00.000-08:00

Prayer is powerful. Prayer is the only means to awaken a soul to God. If prayer can make one see God, what can't it do?

Gifts cannot be earned. They can only be given freely. This is how God gives His Gifts. You cannot earn a blessing from God; you will never be pure enough to match the divine will; God made us this way. It is better to be weak. God loves to lift you. God is waiting for you to be weak and crawl to Him, that you might see Him, that He might show you His highest Self. If you do not approach God helplessly, that which thinks it is strong[er than God] will make you blind. Why else do we suffer? That we might learn the sweetness in suffering, the absolute nothingness of our smaller selves, and absolute surrender to our Father.

I surrender again and again. It is a daily practice. We can never be strong. We can only be weak with God; only in our weakness can God work through us. Only by our humility can we follow His path.

It is dangerous to say "I am God." To be God is not to be powerful, but to be Love. To be beyond self. To be the wholeness in all things. To have God's wholeness, there must be endless sacrifice until the very word sacrifice becomes irrelevant, because all things bring joy.

Love Letters IV

2010-12-04T18:06:00.000-08:00

It is my joy to bring you joy. And when I bring others joy, I feel your joy, and I am warmed.

Give to me that I might give to them. Love me that I might love them. Heal me that I might heal them. Teach me that I might teach them.

You are my only, my divine, my immortal moment. You are melody in sound, a breath in the silence, the core of each verse. You sing to me and I sing to you; we sing for each other.

Dear God, I pray to be your divine melody, to learn and to sustain it. I pray to be the fullness of each note, the silence of each rest, the crescendo and finale. Dear God, I pray to be the voice of your voice, the will of your will, the heart of your heart and a vessel of your unconquerable love. Dear Lord, anoint me. Bring me your burdens in rain, sun, and storm. Give me the brightest lamp, the longest road, the hardest path and the highest peak; give me the heaviest heart that the world might be lighter. Show me your strength, and dear God, give me your courage that I might cry out against the sickness that has poisoned our people, the worm that has rotted the fruit of your trees. Dear God, make me a falcon that I might fly towards daybreak and skim the skies, lifted by your endless wind.

I shall move fast for your pace is upon me, and I know that you drive me as surely as daybreak, you lead me as the Sun across the sky.

A Promise

2010-12-04T10:02:00.000-08:00

I do not believe that you are beyond potential.
I do not think that you are undeserving of love.
I will never look at you and criticize your faults,
nor will I ever love you any less because of them.

I do not believe that you are beyond suffering,
nor do I believe that your cruelties are your own,
nor will I ever believe that you are less than me
nor will I ever judge you for a lack of faith.

I will never pretend to listen to you, while you speak
your heart to me; I will thank you and bow, knowing
you have trusted and seen in me all that I want to give;
if I may, then let me fail a thousand times for you to succeed.

I will never falter, I will never waver in my belief
in you, nor in the path that brought us together;
I will value every brief second we spend, even in passing,
even if I did not make you smile, even if

I did not touch your heart. I will gladly suffer
your pain with you, and burden the greater
if I could, and forgive you for any doubt, and
when you leave, I will bless your feet that

you may walk on water, that you may not
falter nor tire, and that your road will lead you
only to fulfillment, satisfaction, and peace.

An Orphan with God

2010-12-02T20:41:00.000-08:00

I am a tiny sapling tree and every time we talk about God, I grow a little bit more. Thank you all for sharing your faith with me. :)

Since I became an orphan, an amazing transformation has happened in my life. I am now fearless. Psychologists say that our relationships with our parents form the majority of our identities, and wow, is that ever true. How many people's lives have been ruined by a bad relationship with a mother or father? Well, now my only parent is God, and I have been forced to become who I have always wanted to be.

Before my dad died, my greatest fear was that I would not be strong enough to carry out God's will. I was very emotionally dependent on my father. Everything in my life revolved around him because we had so much in common. We were both writers, both musicians, both deep thinkers in our different ways. His atheism was like a sliver in my side; it caused me to doubt my faith, to make me question what I believed, and whether or not I was strong enough to share my spiritual experiences with the world. Also, fear of his death held me back. I didn't want to travel or leave home because I was afraid of losing precious time with him. Perhaps very deep in my heart, I always knew that he was going to die.

I spoke to God a lot about it... I was encroaching on 20 and I still hadn't progressed enough on my spiritual path. I hadn't reached where I needed to be. I felt like I was floating in a stagnant pool; life was too comfortable and I didn't know how to take the next step. I thought... maybe I am too weak to serve the world. Maybe this is all just a wonderful, fantastical dream, and one day I will be on the other side of the hill and realize that I have lost my chance. When I thought of that, I felt a deep, wallowing despair.

And then my father died, my last surviving parent, and I realized that I had only two choices: sink or swim. I was faced with needing to live on my own and provide for myself, and at the time I didn't even have a job. My father was thousands and thousands of dollars in debt, and to be honest, I still don't know if we will lose this house or not. I had to drop out of school and I thought I would never be able to continue with my education. My vision of the future was erased. Everything changed.

But even as I was standing next to my father's death bed, there was joy in my heart... because I know God very well. Even though everything was ripped away from me, and my life had completely changed, I was finally back on my spiritual path. I knew that if I could handle this, I would be fearless. I would be able to conquer the world. If I could learn to swim by diving into a shark pool, then I could easily tread in the deepest waters. My father's death was God's greatest sign to me. God was saying that my prayers had been heard, and that yes, I was strong enough. My path was exactly what I thought it would be.

Everything since my father's death has been a trial of faith. The jobs I've been able to find in this harsh economy, the scholarship I received to finish college, the blatant signs from God that have shown up on my doorstep... my entire life is one long unfolding miracle. Every day my faith is stronger. I've always known God, and yet now I know God in a different way. Before, I knew the truth of unity, and God's presence in my heart. Now, I can see the power of prayer, and how God works through the hands and feet of other believers. Now I can experience it for myself. I don't say God is my Father because of what we learn in church. I say God is my Father because He is. Because he provides for me as a Father, guides me as a Father, pulls me from the fire and brings me peace. I gave up my parents that I might have this relationship with God, and it is worth it. It is so very, very worth it.

I was once reborn in God... and with my father's death, I am now made new again. I am a child, but I am unafraid of the world. God's passion lives inside of me. I wish I could live every day in silence, sitting in my back yard and listening to God. If I died tomorrow, I know it would be with peace in my heart, having lived a life full of meaning and revelation. We are all so blessed to be here. We are so blessed to be alive.

It's Not a Relationship, it's a Marriage

2010-11-28T22:53:00.000-08:00

We can change our minds a thousand times, but real faith never changes, because real faith is simply love. When we can say we are in love with God, it is because God is in love with us. To be in love with God is to make a commitment to God. It's not just a relationship; it's more than that. It's a marriage. A union with God is a promise. It's a promise to never turn away, to never surrender, not in sickness, poverty, or in the deepest suffering -- and God promises to always be there.

And just like a marriage, a union with God has little to do with rituals, baptisms, or similar. Before announcing it to the world, it must be decided upon within the heart. It must be tested with time and hardship. It must be strong to withstand all worldly forces. Our love of God must be set deep in the foundations of our very person. To uproot God from the heart would be to destroy us from the inside out. That is a marriage.

Sometimes I wonder who I would be without God.... I don't have an answer. I have many hobbies, things I like, people I love... but what would really define me? I don't know. I guess it's because my faith gives my life purpose, order, wonder... without these things, I simply wouldn't be myself. I would be a cold stranger. Maybe I would even be dead by now.

I am very happy with who God is creating me to be, even if it means that I will never know my parents as an adult. I'm happy that I found my faith young. I feel that God is making my life a wonderful gift, and the short years I've lived are already irreplaceable. There is a lot to wonder at. The number of revelations we experience has little to do with the events in our lives, and a lot to do with how closely we walk with God. When we commune with God every day, there is a revelation every day. I am in constant dialogue with God, and God has a way of speaking back.

Open communication, constant companionship, mutual respect... yes, this is the true marriage of my heart, and nobody needs to know but God.

Love Letters III

2010-11-27T12:28:00.000-08:00

Sweet child, be at peace. Be calm and wait. I am creating a life for you. It is my joy.

Many losses have yet to come, but you will gain what is priceless. I know the value of all things, and above all, you are valuable to me. You are far from forgotten, and as the months roll by, you will see how I envision your life, and all of the changes I have made in the endeavor to complete you. We are together now. There is no other way. Nothing can stand between us -- not the flaws of others, not the traps of desire, nor the path of worldly weight. With me, you are the wind and water, the silence, the shade of the trees. With me, you are all that is.

And what have you to fear, when the heart of the world looks upon you with love? What have you to doubt, when you favor me above all things? Do you think I do not listen? I write you letters as you write me. I sign my name in the grass at your feet and speak through the whispers of a hundred voices. I compel their hands; I know their tongues. You stretch yourself to understand, and I move that you might see me. Dear child, I am not hiding. I am with you as we speak. I am on your shoulder as we write.

You ask if I can move the universe, and sweet child, I have been... but you are fragile. You, above all else, are as delicate as finely blown glass. To move too swiftly would cause cracks. Under too much heat, there would be flaws. Just look at the porcelain of your hands; at the slender slope of your fingers. I am the artisan, and you, my unfinished symmetry; a carefully crafted song.

It shall pass soon. The winds have calmed and there shall be a great peace. You will have time to rebuild, to become what we have planned. Hold me tightly and be still, and know that you are safe.

Judgement

2010-11-26T23:27:00.000-08:00

My aunt once told me that you can't trust people who don't believe in God. She said it's because they don't have a conscience. I kept quiet, but honestly, I was disappointed. I wanted to ask what she really knew about her conscience, because my conscience says that it is wrong to speak badly of others, no matter who they are. Who are we to assume a person's status in the eyes of God?

To speak badly of others is to cause pain, even if our words are never overheard (and guess what? God hears them.) There is enough pain in the world outside of my control; I don't need to add to it. I always feel guilty when I say something needlessly judgmental because I feel like I am letting down God. Treating people negatively gets in the way of my spiritual path. I am very aware of my failings and imperfections, and I too am judged daily. All people deserve to be understood, even if they are not right. All people deserve to be listened to, even if they are not a reliable authority. Love listens, and love isn't concerned with proving anything; love only cares if a person can be healed. When people speak to me of their diverse beliefs and hardships, all I can think of is "How can I show you God?" The only way I can show anyone God is through love.

There are too many who claim to "believe in God" yet live a life of hypocrisy. Look at people's actions. Where there is kindness, there is God. A man who acts purely out of kindness but who doubts God's existence is still doing God's work. And how pleasing is that, to know that there are people who do good for the sake of good, and not for the sake of reward? God notices.

I survive by a deep, abiding love of God, and I am judged for it by religious and non-religious alike. But I know what I have, and I will not pass that judgment onto those of weaker faith. That's not what God made me for. That's not the duty God has given me.

I am not worthy of my life. I am not worthy of being alive. I am not worthy of knowing God. And yet I do. God saved me and I am not worthy, so I have no right to judge.

Submission

2010-11-26T22:49:00.000-08:00

Yes, life is predestined.

Yes, all things are known and planned by God.

I think it's a hard mindset for us to accept. I think it takes a true life of trial and submission to really see what God is. But when we take for granted that everything is preplanned, that all things are decided, we begin to see God's presence in everything. We begin to see a logical sequence in our lives.

To say that all things are not predestined is to lessen God's authority in our lives. We must live by faith alone; faith in our path and faith in our Father. It's a joke to think that we're allowed to "create" ourselves. We are partners with God, or we are nothing. Our own desires have little to do with who we are or the lives we live. Those who walk a spiritual path have few desires; that is why we are so overjoyed with our lives. All we desire is what God desires for us.

If you wish to know God, submit to it. Submission and sacrifice are the only way.

The New Age Movement Isn't "New"

2010-11-18T16:33:00.000-08:00

My main issue with the New Age movement is its insistence on taking the ancient wisdom found in most major religions and trying to act like it is something "new." Instead of "bodhisattvas," "sidhas," "prophets," or "disciples," we now have Indigo Children and Astral Travelers. Different names for the same spiritual beings, yet devoid of the centuries of authority from real prophets, real sidhas, and real Buddhas.

Despite its insistence on being "philosophical" and "scientific," the ideas discussed in most New Age books don't even scratch the surface of the philosophical principles of Greek dialogues, Buddhist tantras or the Christian Bible, and let's not even start on "scientific evidence." There is an entire history of philosophy and theory from all around the world that has been incorrectly jotted down by a few half-educated people and shoved in front of the public eye. These people now want to tell us that if we visualize something, it will happen. The Secret to life is that there is no Big Secret. Truth is everywhere, as is God. Crack open any text from any established religion and you'll begin to see it. Except that maybe you're not really looking for God. Maybe you're looking for any explanation other than God.

It seems like anyone can write a self-help manual, stick some meditation and chakra aligning techniques in it, talk about spirit guides, and suddenly have a right to speak for God. Well here's what I've learned in my tiny insignificant life -- God's laws don't change just because we change our theories. You want to know the truth in the world? Do what the Buddha and Christ both said -- be good. Goodness brings us to a unity with God. Anything else is an unnecessary distraction. Serve each other. That is the true spiritual path.

Unity and Anointing

2010-11-11T10:39:00.000-08:00

I pray for them: I pray not for the world. That they may be one, as those, Father, art in me, and I in Thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that Thou hast sent me. And the glory which thou gavest me I have given Thee, that they may be one, even as we are one.

John 17:19, 21-22

If we are to have unity, if we are to have love, if we are to have a world at peace, we must understand that we are all the same.

The suffering that one feels is the suffering of another. The faith one feels is the faith of another. Are we to condemn our brothers and sisters because they do not speak our own words? Because they do not use our own symbols? When a man in China cries out to the darkness, is it not the same darkness that we all cry to? And when he waits breathlessly for a sign, is it not the same sign that we all seek? Do we not all search for a reason, a justification for our lives? Do we all not feel, on some level, that we are unworthy of it?

To unite a world, we must become bigger than ourselves. We must extend ourselves beyond what we think we know. There is no need to conquer, to convert, to convince; however, there is a great need to love. The enemy is not a matter of words or translation; the enemy is wickedness. The enemy is hate, mistrust, and division. The enemy makes us blind and distracts us by creating physical and ideological barriers; as a servant of God, it is my job to tear those barriers down. There is no barrier for unconditional love.

To create peace in the world, we must begin with ourselves. If we do not have peace in our hearts, how can we have peace in our homes? If we cannot have peace in our homes, how do we have peace in our countries? If we do not have peace with our faith, how can we have peace with the faith of another?

God gave me a task when I was 12. When I was 19, the Spirit of the Lord told me that my work would begin following my father's death. When I was 20, my father died. I am an orphan, I am God's child, I am God's friend, I am a servant to the world.

When Jesus came, he said:

The spirit of the Lord is upon me because He has anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted; To proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, To set at liberty those who are oppressed; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord.

I am not Jesus. However, I, too, have an anointing:

The Spirit of the Lord has assigned me the task of strengthening the faith of others, shielding the broken, teaching the ignorant, and destroying the barriers of race, culture, and religion. I am here to bring peace to the world. I am here to live a life of servitude and love. I am here to bring unity.

I know I am not the only one with this anointing. The entire world is moving toward unity. What is the road that God will have me walk? I do not know. However, I know that I am on it because all that the Spirit has promised me has come to pass. I am unsure of how great my part will be. Will I have a violin solo, or shall I be a conductor? Will I be a lonely flutist in the back row? Who knows, perhaps I have already filled my task and I shall die tomorrow. I do not know, but with every breath I feel God's voice in my lungs and I willingly bow my head to the divine. I follow Jesus. I love God. I despise evil. I do God's work. My life is genuine and so is my faith. Let's tear down our barriers today in the name of love. Let's create a united world.

God is...

2010-11-02T17:03:00.000-07:00

GOD IS....

1) Love.

2) Silence.

3) Peace.

4) Compassion.

5) Generosity.

6) Wisdom.

7) Patience.

8) One.

9) Everything.

10) You.

Residing in God, you feel it in everything, you see it in everyone, you are disgusted by anger, moved by compassion, aware of your own imperfections, and lovingly obedient to the spirit of the world. God is a center of peace, an iron bar of light that never wavers, overflowing abundance, sweetness, beauty, and joy. We are in the process of creation. God didn't create the universe -- He is creating the universe. God didn't make you -- he is making you.

God is found in all religions. God is spoken of by all saints and prophets. What I say here has been said before and will be said again. God is everything. God is unity. God is love.

To denounce other religions is to create division. This is against God.

To judge others is to create division. This is against God.

To accuse others of a lack of faith creates division. This is against God.

It is by our actions that we are judged, not by what we declare with our mouths, but by what we do with our hands.

If you create negativity, if you create division, if you spread malice, if you presume to know the faults in others, this is against God. God Is. God doesn't need a correct interpretation. True prophets know God outside of religion. True prophets know God from the heart, and the heart alone. I will not put my trust in anything but God and prayer, for God teaches us through nature, through the very years of our life. God is creating me to be what I am, as He is creating you. When we die, it is because we are complete.

2010-10-29T19:31:00.001-07:00

God, you are me. You are all of me.